Joran Savon

[xavier]

Name: Joran Savon
Race: Echani/ Human Hybrid
Age: 13
Height: 5"3
Weight: 114
Appearance: Joran has a charming face with a slender nose and his silver eyes. His hair is Blond and long streching to his shoulders. (<--Should I take this out?) His body is a bit Musculine with a tone attached to it. His robes are the traditional robes of the Jedi Order and his Cloak is Brown.
Birth place: Alderaan/ Aldera

Faction: Jedi
Rank: Padawan (Trained by Sirius)

Bio:

There was a couple named Warn and Helena Savon. Warn was a Echani and a Grey Jedi. Helena was a Human who used to be a Senator. They used to live on Eshan where Warn was born. They figured that they needed they're baby to have a life of Nature. They moved to Aldera in Alderaan. Joran was born a Hybrid. He was born in a Garden while his mother was taking a stroll. She thought it was strange for Joran to have her hair and for him to have his father's eyes. Warn always thought there was a Master hiding on Alderaan because he could feel someone who was strong in the Force. But apparently that Force User was Joran.

After weeks of being born he was able to Walk at a very young age. His father was going to train him in the Ways of the Jedi but he figured that if he did Joran would turn to the Dark Side. A Shistavanen namd Sirius found him after the Counsil sent him to find Younglings in that Sector. Apparently Joran was the only Force Sensitive. Joran was a quiet boy who looked to Succeed in his future. His father accepted the request for Joran to train to be a Jedi. His mother was weary of Sirius but still accepted. He took him to the Temple and the Counsil accepted him as a Youngling.

Joran was both Lightsaber and Force oriented. His teacher taught him various abilites but yet let him Spar with his Lightsaber. He had made a friend with one of the Knights. His name was Momad Kenobi. He took Joran around the Temple showing him places that he could stay and relax in. He wanted to take Joran as a Apprentice but he could not since the Counsil would not let him. He was a New Knight not experienced enough to have a Padawan. But Joran was facinated by one Jedi Master who happend to be the same Master who had found him as a Young Child. Siriuster Shak'erter the Shivastanen. This Master had always took a look in Joran's training to see how he does. The Master was fascinated by Joran's endurance and strength for just an Humanoid.

When he turned 12 he had been accept as a Padawan by Sirius. He started helping his master in 1 or 2 crime cases. At this age he read many Datapads and he is very interested in them. He knows many languages and usually speaks those languages to the other younglings in the youngling section. It took him a few Months to understand then speak the Languages. Sometimes his friends would teach him words he shouldn't know. He learned to speak Rodian, understand Wookies, and talk to Jawas in the Cantinas. His master was tough on him with Hand to Hand tactics. He would talk to the Archivers about the history of the Galaxy so he can learn more about it.

His Master would Spar with him until Joran would get better at combat. After he was done training him of basic punching and kicking he taught him moves he could use for self defense. When he finshed his training on Unarmed fighting he would test his knowledge by blocking his master's every move which would really fail because Joran wasn't as strong as his Master.

He made a friend with a another Padawan named Dovan Eran who was just like him. Same face but he was a Human Padawan who had Blond hair and blue eyes. The Master's had to use the Force to tell which one was Joran and which one was Dovan. One master could already tell the difference because he remembered they're eyes and used it to define them without thinking who they were because they both don't really look into older people's eyes. They were both moved up to the Rank of Padawan. Joran was the first to get his Master. With Sirius he had to train under him until he passed the trials and became a Knight. Until then he had to train under this Master and increase on his skills to get ready for the trials.

His Master started teaching him Shein because he was very eager to learn the form. It took him at least a Year and a half to master half of the Form. He didn't learn much but he got a general idea of most of the form. After he was done he went home to visit his Parents. His father thought before he went back to the Temple in a few hours he should learn Echani Arts. He taught him the Echani Culture for 6 hours for Joran to learn how his father lived as a child. His Master learned the Art already so Joran asked him if he could each him the Art. His Master taught it to him in a Couple of Weeks then Joran mastered it as he was an Echani himself.

Lightsaber: Single Phase, Adept Lightsaber
Lightsaber Name: Jesus
Color: Blue
Crystals: Adegan Crystal
Description:

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho: 5
Makashi: N/A
Soresu:N/A
Ataru:N/A
Shien / Djem So: 2
>>Sub-form Backhanded
Niman
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield
Juyo
Double Bladed Combat


Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 2
Telepathic: 1
Body: 3
Sense: 2
Protection: 3
Healing: 2
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills:
Echani Martial Arts


Attributes:

Physical Strength: 5
Intelligence: 5
Speed: 5
Leadership: 3

Unarmed: 6
Melee Weapons: 0
Ranged Weapons: 0

Force Attunement: ##
From -10 to +10
+3

RP Sample:
WIP

[Cirith An'Gol]

There are very few people that can pull off a good BIO in three or four paragraphs...and I'm not one of them. For me, the more details I have the better.

The story is good, I can definetly follow it. The bio is a little short but, that's not bad either. I think you'll be told to put in a few more details and to make him older. The Jedi Council probably wouldn't use a 12 year old kid in murder investigations and the like.

Not sure about the Rakata thing either...as far as I know they're a very rare race to come across but, I could be wrong. My advice is to smoothe out the wrinkles and then PM a Moderator like StarWarsGirl or Rugs.

One thing I think they'll look at and ask you about is Xavier's father. Was he drunk when the speeder hit him? Or was he just careless? Or was his mind on something of a troubling nature? Another thing they'll probably ask you about is where your character met the Rakata and where he picked up his talent for languages. The last thing I want to ask you about is his path to the Dark Side. How'd he get on it? Weren't his parents killed at an early age? How did he remember those tragedies if that is what is causing his tiptoeing around the Dark Side?

I like how you made his skills and other stats relatively low. That shows me that you know where you ought to be in regards to that stuff. All in all though, good work, I like it. It's simple and straight to the point. Just don't be suprised if some admins or mods ask you about the above or other things that I haven't thought of.

I look forward to seeing this character approved and I hope that we can RP together some time. Good luck!

[Karl the Unfettered]

Good evening, I am Karl the Unfettered. Since you asked I'm gonna have a looksee, but whoever recommended me should have also warned you I don't play nice. If there's a problem and I see it, I'm gonna mention it straight-up; no pussy-footing around for me.

At the top you say his name is Joran, but the bio talks about some Xavier kid. What's up with that? Also we don't allow canon images for character appearance, so you'll have to either find another picture or write up a written description.

The history's not gonna fly at all, most of it is obviously ripped straight out of KotOR. All that stuff was what Revan did. The Revan, and he wasn't even at full power. How do you expect some youngling kid to do any of that? Also, you seem to digress into a personality description halfway through, and a contradictory one at that; how can you always be on the edge of the Dark Side, yet worry about your peers and have dreams of your loved ones dying? For that matter, who are these loved ones anyway? His mother was killed after he was born and his father basically commited suicide by car. Also, on Coruscant it's the Jedi Temple, not the Jedi Academy.

The bounty hunter is a rip-off of Calo Nord, that'll have to go. Did you check with Avoim before you used his character Nicholas Betulia for your bio? The two droids he bought will have to be explained; as it stands they're obviously HK-47 and T3-M4, and you can't have them. But then again, the Order doesn't allow its Jedi to have possesions anyway, and since Joran is just a Youngling who supposedly learned the Code and the Oath (whatever that is), what's he doing buying all this stuff all the way out at Yavin? And Tatooine? And Lehon (which is a hidden and sealed off world anyway)?

In the RP Sample, how does he recognize the bounty hunter who killed his mother when a) he's never seen the man, and b) his father lied about how she died? Also, how does his master discover what happened to her, and why does he tell his student about it even if he found out? A responsible master would hold off on such revelations until the student is old enough, and more importantly mature enough, to handle it with grace and dignity befitting a Jedi.

For a Padawan, having a 5 in Melee won't fly, especially since all his training in Melee consisted of a few lines at the very end wherein his master threw things at him and he had to hit them out of the air. That's called baseball, not swordfighting. Keep in mind that melee combat and lightsaber skill are not the same thing, and being skilled in one area doesn't mean skill in the other. Also his Force stats are spread out a lot; a Padawan would at most have four areas of skill, not this general smatter. At least you ddin't try for Destruction, most people get shot down at that.

Finally, you need to do a thorough check for spelling and grammar, and fix your tense; we write everything in third-person past tense around here, and throughout your history and RP sample you randomly switch between first and third persons.

There were a few other little things, but I see no need to go into further specifics. As it stands you'd be well off doing an extensive reworking from the ground up; aim for originality in your content and clarity in your style, and keep in mind what I brought up here.

I look forward to your next attempt.

[.:Falcon:.]

Alrighty Xavier- I iz here to give your bio a reviewz. I'm going to come at it sometimes with Ree's point of view, since we are looking at putting she and Joran together. So then...

Don't disregard what the people above ^ said. Good advice.

Anyways-

I think you need to modify his age, or his appearance. Here's why: that kid doesn't look anywhere close to 15. He might be able to fly 7, but not much after that. Written appearances are always better, IMO, if supplemented by pics. Written appearances show me that you've really put thought into the character, and you know how you want him/her to be.

Secondly- though I do think he should be younger...a 15 year old male who is 4"9. Most 15 year old guys I know are taller than me, and I'm 5"6.

Okay, now I just want to say something- if you were trained by Reè, she probably wouldn't have done some of that stuff you have in your bio. Another reason I think you should put his age down- that way we can just say he was chosen by her, and then we can RP it from there. It would be better, IMO.

Anyway, onwards.

Joran was a Baby from that time.

Hmm. This sentence is kind of bulky, and the fact that Joran was a newborn is really excess information that we could all figure out from the bio.

He had drank a whole bottle of willek juice walked out on to the Walkway and didnt look where he was going. Joran was a Smart Kid and knew that would happen if wouldnt stop drinking willek juice before he left his apartment.

A. How old was Joran at this time, and how did he (probably only about 3 or 4) know what his father was doing?

B. Why was his father a drunkard? Did it have something to do with his wife's death?

since his father meant to take him there before he died

How would his father have known Joran was Force sensitive? Was he Force sensitive himself? An exiled Jedi? Had had Jedi friends?

When he turned 5 years old the Jedi Temple accepted him as an apprentice.

He would have been accepted as a youngling when he got there.

took him to Courasant since...

That should be 'Coruscant'. Also- where did Ree find him? In an orphanage?

During your youngling years, I'd like to see a bit more detail. He trained with droids is a start, but what about the other younglings? How did he relate to them? Did he have any special friends? How was he influenced by his teachers? How? What were his favorite activities? Did he enjoy saber training more than Force exercises? If so, why?

He started helping the Counsil in many crime cases and being reported as the youngest officer ever.

Though Ree is billeted to be a HCM, crime cases aren't exactly her forte. She's more a diplomat, and where the Master goes, the Padawan goes.

...children at his school because he doesnt know how to talk to them.

His school is the Jedi Temple. And, this should really be in the youngling section- problems with those around him. That might be one thing that would keep Ree from choosing him though. She's a bit choosy, mostly because of her past bad experience with 'trouble' padawans.

His Master would Spar with him during his training and Joran would get bruises from missing since his armor was so light.

If they're sparring, and he misses, he'd have a missing arm. Not really. Ree wouldn't actually hit him. Jedi control and all that. But Jedi don't exactly wear 'armor'. Now if you're talking about her teaching him hand-to-hand tactics, which she is proficient in, then that could explain the bruises.

He took a pet Gizka and named it Zapper.

How did he acquire this Gizka? On a diplomatic mission? On a mission? A gift from a friend?

He bought a Swoop Bike to make Credits from Races when ever he got a Racing Bond he would go to Yavin and sell them to a Merchant for Thousands of Credits to buy upgrades for it.While he was there he bought a droid it was a Utility Droid. A new Top of the line R3 Astromech Droid. He also bought an newly built Star Fighter for himself and called it The Hornet.

No. Remember, personal belongings are discouraged, especially of this type. Now, him having a starfighter wouldn't be entirely unheard of, after all many Jedi did keep A-wing-like fighters, but like I said, Ree's missions are usually diplomatic in nature, so they would take an actual ship/shuttle.

When his master found out what happened to his mother she told Joran everything and made sure he didnt worry about it. He had looked up Ezio Hureta in the But Joran wanted to have revenge so he promised himself the day he met Ezio Hureta he would end his killing spree.

Ree says no. Like I said, she has a past history with revenge-driven young men. She would sense Joran's anger about this, and she wouldn't be telling him. Young Jedi have to move on from their past lives. Now, if he found out on his own, Ree would also sense it, and try to counsel him past it- especially to get rid of that revenge thing.

I'd also like to point out that if he was chosen at 12, that would be his Padawan years.

After he was done training him of basic punching and kicking he taught him moves he could use for self defense.When he finshed his training on Unarmed fighting he would test his knowledge by blocking his master's every move which would really fail because Joran wasnt really bright in using his senses.

Awesome mental images. LOL, anyway- this isn't entirely unlikely, since Ree is versed in hand-to-hand tactics, as I stated.

Before I move on, I'd like to talk about a few logistics between Joran/Ree, mostly about ages/years. Ree fought Jacob, her last Padawan, when she was 43. Four years ago. She is now 47. Now, as late as 45, she hadn't taken a Padawan, and wouldn't have to my way of thinking, because of her past hurt. So the age thing really isn't working for me. That's only two years, and it's kind of hard to fit 12-15 in a two-year span. So once again, if we want this to work, we're going to have to fiddle with ages. PM me.

Your atts look awesome, but I'd just like to ask about that stat in melee. Where did it come from? It needs explanation in the bio.

Well, there we are. If you have any questions about Ree-Joran, you can PM me.

[.:Falcon:.]

Back as I promised. And yes, double postehs. >.<

We've still got the age issue there Joran. We're going to have to work something out, because he can't be 15 and fit with Reè's current age stuffs.

On nights when he slept he would have dreams of people dying. He thrash around until he woke up.

Why did he dream about people dying? Did he have other bad experiences as a child that led to this, or was it always his father dying?

Atts: OK, so taking another look at your stats, especially the Force ones, we're going to have to change that.

Reè is very Force oriented. What I mean by that is that she emphasizes Force studies over any other kind of studies, even hand-to-hand. (She took hand-to-hand up at the behest of her first Padawan.) So I find it unlikely he'd have a 5 in unarmed, but just a general smatter of Force points. Once again, speaking as Reè here. Take a look at other Padawans about the age you decide to have Joran, and decide his stats accordingly.

[Kella]

Kella here, just to say that you've gotten some good advice so far. ;D When you've finished your bio, please remove 'finishing' from the title, and then post to let me know.

'til then!

[xavier]

OK Im done.

[Triss-chan - ... KAWAII!]

*looks at picture* ... hhmmmmm ... I swear that's either Jacen or Anakin Solo ... well ... before they went evil/died ... still cute though *purrs* anyhows .. back to my uber-long history

[Dutch]

It's Anakin, and xavier, you're gonna have to change that pic. Canon appearances aren't allowed for your characters

[xavier]

Ok now Im done I dont want questions give me results.

[Deleted]

;D Hello Xavier, I've reviewed your bio and here are the results.

his mother Helena died from being Murdered.A Bounty Hunter named Ezio Hureta

Need a space between Murdered and A.

Just out of idle curiosity, How was she murdered?

is father Warn took care of him until he was 3 years old. But he felt he was'nt ready for parenting.

after three years of raising a child he decided he wasn't ready for parenting? Also, A typo. You need to change -was'nt- to -wasn't-

Joran was trained with Droids and he was put on more difficult levels as he got older. He would meditate most of the time. He could pick up alot while he was meditating.He would study for his Exams every day to get smarter.

I'm going to say that three sentences for three years of his life isn't going to cut it. You're going to have to expand this section a bit.

He started helping the Counsil in many crime cases and being reported as the youngest officer ever.

Reè would be the one assisting the council. Joran would be her apprentice. Also he wouldn't have been "Reported the youngest officer ever" I don't think. I could be wrong though, what exactly is the position "officer" In the Jedi Order?

At this age he reads many Datapads and he is really intelligent.

Remember to keep to past tense, third person. Also might wanna elaborate on what the Datapads taught him and give a few examples of his smarts

He knows many languages and usually speaks those languages to the other younglings in the youngling section.

What languages does he know?

On nights when he slept he would have dreams of people dying.

On nights when he slept? This would imply he had trouble sleeping but Insomnia receives no mention earlier in the bio and right here you just kind of skate over it. If he is having trouble sleeping there is a reason and you should probably elaborate on it.

It would be mostly about his mother which scared him because he never knew his mother.

if he never knew his mother why does he know it's her in his dreams?

He thrashed around in his sleep. until he woke up.

These two sentences can be combined into one, so just take out the first period.

He would always worry about the ones around him making sure their safe. His master was tough on him with Hand to Hand tactics.

Right here you're talking about his bad dreams and how he worried about others and then you skip right into how his Master is hard on him in hand to hand? Might wanna go back and explain why he has the dreams or something. Help flesh out the bio a bit.

By the time Joran was done he could snap a neck faster than a Blaster Shot.

at his age? I don't know anyone that young who is so advanced. Probably best to just take it out.

Joran wasnt really bright in using his senses.

This seems contradictory as you note earlier that he is Intelligent and has been training hand to hand for awhile.

Alright that wraps up the bio, Unto the stats.

Telekinetic: 2
Telepathic: 2
Body: 2
Sense: 2
Protection: 2
Healing: 2
Destruction: 0

I'd say maybe drop two more of those to 0 and you would be good there, Perhaps another 0 and a 1.

Physical Strength: 4
Intelligence: 6
Speed: 5
Leadership: 4

Most of those look good except for the 6 in Intelligence. Through out the bio he doesn't strike me as anything more then average. So I would drop that to a 5

The RP sample is somewhat choppy and needs a grammar/spell check. Also, I don't really know how Falcon feels about you using her character in your RP sample so I'm asking (Either you or her) if you have permission to put Reè in it, and Control her actions.

anyway, that concludes my Review, keep working at it Xavier. You will get there. ;D

[xavier]

Just one more review then Im RPing.

[Dutch]

You gotta wait for Mod/Admin approval- we only do this to make sure characters are fair, well explained, and fit in the universe SWU has created. I know, it sucks- we all have had to wait this long at least once for a character to be accepted. Just chill out, read some threads, drink some tea, and you'll be fine.

[Kella]

I told you I didn't forget about you!

_______

Bio:

--"13-15: Training"
His age is listed as only 13... clarify?

You've certainly got a good start with the bio here. I've already got a feel of the outline sketch of his personality... but he needs to be colored in a little bit more. I won't make you do it, since what you have is acceptable, but adding a bit more personality to the bio is something I'd strongly recommend.

Oh, and one more thing, though this doesn't really relate to the bio; do you intend to RP with Falcon, after both characters are approved? Not hugely important, I was just curious. X)

_______

Stats:

Only problem here is the attunement. For a 13 year old Padawan, I won't allow above a +3, just because at such a young age, he really hasn't had his devotion tested yet.

_______

And, of course, there's the small matter of a human, male Padawan. It's not banned... and you can get away with it... but there are certainly a ton of human male Padawans. If you feel like spicing Joran up with a bit of originality, skim 'near-human' races on Wikipedia. See if you can find one that isn't over-used (Twi-lek, Zabrak, Echani and Miraluka I'd advise against) and have some fun with it. Again, only a suggestion.

_______

Therefore, approval comes down to three things -- attunement, the age issue, and the fact that I'm a little hesitant to approve it, since there's not a whole lot of personality in the bio.

Make sure you thank all the members, NGTs and mods that reviewed your bio. They made things a whole lot easier for me, which in turn makes them easier for you. X) Post again when you've finished up!

[xavier]

I cant get a new pic even though I know what those Races look like so is it OK if I use Echani?

[Deleted]

Just go to Google.com and click images. Type in Twi'lek, Zabrak or Miralukan.

[Dutch]

I'm pretty certain Kell said she'd rather not see anymore Miralukan, Zabrak, or Echani...

[Kella]

*nod,nod* Dutch is right, Koeing, though I knew that comment had the potential to be confusing. xD

Actually, Echani would make it more important for you to chance your profile picture, because all Echani have very pale features, almost always with white/silver hair and grey eyes. Of course, there's no reason why you can't change your pic, from the SWU rules side of it. There's no regulation or rule against it, if that was an issue. xD

There are a couple races -- epicanthix and Ferrerreo come to mind -- that look almost exactly like humans, but there are some key biological differences. If you have your heart set on keeping the same reference picture, looking for one of these races would be the way to go. *nod,nod*

[xavier]

I actually mean that Im using a Wii and I can't get a Pic and even if I did I couldnt find the Code and Copy it.

[.:Falcon:.]

Then write out an appearance. I actually prefer that in any case...but that's just me. ^.^