Joran Savon

[Twysper]

Herro Xavier, I ish Twysper, and I'm going to join the murder of others reviewing your bio! ^^

So let's see, a lot of this has to do with using the correct tense to write. You've probably heard this a thousand times, but we write in Third-person past tense. x) Which means that you want to write like so,

E.G.

"Joran read many datapads when he was 12."

Not

"At this age, Joran reads many datapads." (<- That, for the record, is third person present tense, if I'm recalling correctly.)

Another E.G.

"Joran jumped."

Not

"Joran jumps."

I tell you this because while the entire bio is in the third person, (yay!) it's not all in the past tense, which hinders coherency. =3

Twysper Tip (Also, I hereby reserve the license to be corny on a whim): Instead of an -s endings on verbs, you generally want an -ed for past tense.


Alrighty, now as far as content goes, it seems like you've sorta picked and chosen through the advice on what you want to actually edit. Not so bad in and of itself, but everyone's been very accurate so far, and most to all of their advice should have been taken.

Certain things need to be checked for balance and believability. For example, the fact that you have Joran written as knowing multiple languages at 12 and also being, basically, a walking encyclopedia on everything, isn't really going to fly. He's probably never even left the temple at that age, just fyi.

I'm not going to bother restating what everyone else has said repeatedly; it's really a disservice to them and yourself when you ignore sound advice tailored to your benefit. v.v

I advocate taking another look through what's been said already and acting on it further before saying that it's ready for another look through. =3 Take some time to muse on everything before rewriting.

"He thrashed around in his sleep. until he woke up. He would always worry about the ones around him making sure their safe."

^ Ask yourself, is that Joran... or Anakin? We like originality, and it's generally rewarded.

I think that's about it for now. *nod* Please, please read through (and act on) everyone's advice. It will make the bio so much sparkleh, Xavier. xD

[Twysper]

Welcome to Twysper's review of a review of a bio review! *ding ding*

Evidently, you don't know that E.G. stands for, so I shall inform you! E.G. stands for exempli gratia which translated, is Latin for "for example."

Those were indeed examples, and while I did loosely pull the first one from the bio, you are correct in saying that Joran did no jumping in the bio. ^^

Point 4: As far as encyclopedia's go, I said 'basically,' as in 'similar to.' Being able to list every creature in the galaxy generally falls under the encyclopedia category. =3 As far as leaving the temple goes, you have references in there to Joran going to Cantinas and knowing 'many languages.'

At this age he read many Datapads and he is was also very intelligent. He could name every single creature in the Galaxy and he was very fascinated of the Types of planets. He knows many languages and usually speaks those languages to the other younglings in the youngling section.

He learned to speak Rodian, understand Wookies, and talk to Jawas in the Cantinas.

^ So what am I supposed to make of that? You just contradicted yourself. >.>

P5: I'm not yelling, I'm mournful.

And lastly,

Quote: Now remeber Anakin knew what his mother looked like. Joran did'nt. Anakin's mother died in his arms. Joran's mother died right after he was born. And also she died in 3591 BBY Anakin's mother died in 22 BBY.
Other than that you're post is Admiral Ackbar Approved.

'remeber' is not a word. "did'nt" is not a contraction.

Oh no, I think you've completely missed the point here, for times of death are completely irrelevant, as is knowing the appearance of their mother in this instance. What I really wanted you to stop and think about was whether or not Joran is actually your own character. That's it and that's all.



In conclusion...

The point you seem to be missing, Xavier, is that people are trying to help you and you're blowing them off.

No one has to review bios. Please realize that.

[.:Falcon:.]

One thing I'm noticing Xavier...as Reè is my character, I know she doesn't take crime cases. Nor does she focus so exclusively on combat as you have in your bio. She is a diplomat, a Sentinel in that she focuses more on the Force. She understands combat has its place, as is reflected in her bio, but she would be teaching Joran more things like telepathy, Force awareness, and meditation tricks than combat.

If you would like to be combat-oriented, I strongly suggest you find a different master, because Reè will not work for you.

[Triss-chan - ... KAWAII!]

Just had a flick through your Character and the various comments Xavier, Joran looks good, but I have read Reè's profile, and Falcon-san has a point, Reè isn't so much of a combat person, she's a diplomat and a negotiator.

However, as much as I'd like to be polite, and not steal Reè's Padawan-to-be right out from under her nose so to speak, but I have a combat-orientated Master currently In-progress, you might want to look him up, but you can always stick with Reè, I wouldn't want to be rude and deliberately suggest anything *puts on innocent face*

[xavier]

Hmmm Im interested whats in it for me?

[Triss-chan - ... KAWAII!]

*holds up paper bag* Cookies?

[xavier]

COOKIES!!! OK I'LL DO IT AWESOME MY MASTER'S A WOLF but will you teach me Djem Jo?

[Triss-chan - ... KAWAII!]

*salutes* yep, Sirius can do that, once he's approved, although you might want to tell Falcon-san that you've switched *looks guilty* ... I gotta bad feeling about this

[.:Falcon:.]

XD fallen. As I suggested xavier find another Master, I don't mind at all. Reè and Joran probably wouldn't have gotten along very well. best of luck Xavier.

[Triss-chan - ... KAWAII!]

*phew* ... for a second there my head felt a little lose, hope you find a new Padawan soon Falcon-san =)

[Triss-chan - ... KAWAII!]

*salutes* Right then my Padawan-to-be ... or should I say *deep voice* MY APPRENTICE! let me see .... let me see ... what do we need.

Well first of all I'll reiterate what I said earlier, would you mind making Joran a 'fresh-out-of-the-Temple' sort of Padawan, most of the stuff you have there you could probably just modifying a bit, maybe he could befriend one of the trainers or perhaps a Master shortly too him under his wing?, who took him on one or two crime cases or something like that, and had Dummy of a Terentatek, ... not really Sirius's style ... a dummy? ... he would probably send you up against the real thing *cough* jokes.

*thinks* that's really all I can come up with for now, maybe you could have something about him going off to one of the Rotunda Chapels to meditate before meeting Sirius in-person or something along those lines, something that shows that they are literally just about to meet, other then that ... *winks*Im-pro-vise Xavier-san ... just don't write anything about Si-ri-us-chan without letting mer proof read it -kay!

[Triss-chan - ... KAWAII!]

*salutes* looks good Joran, no probs from my end of the stick, now you just need to tell one of the Mod's

[xavier]

lol stick...

[Kella]

Okie doke! Here I be. Now, I'm going to do this a little different than I normally do, for various reasons, so stick with me. X)

(Why would an Echani couple be on Alderaan? It's okay to have it as such, you just need to say why.)Joran was born right before his mother Helena died from being Murdered with a Blaster. A Bounty Hunter named Ezio Hureta killed her when she didnt pay a Crime Lord her Debt. His father Warn took care of him until he was 3 years old. But he felt he wasn't ready for parenting. He told him the Tragedy of his mother, he didnt want to be remebered by a horrible nightmare. (Who didn't want to be remembered by a horrible nightmare? Why would this be so? There are too many pronouns in this section, I need you to insert a few more proper nouns so it makes sense.) So one day his father got really depressed he didn't want to live without his wife so he hid somewhere and commited suicide.(After three years of sticking through, he randomly commits suicide? Why? What set him off?) A few weeks after the funeral Sirius found the child in a Orphanage and took him to Coruscant. (How did Sirius end up at the orphanage? Was he sent on a mission to look for younglings, or something else? Also; what sort of child was Joran? Was he calm, or fussy? Advanced, or behind? Loud, or quiet? By the time a child is 3, their personality starts to develop, and you get clues to how they're going to be later in life.) He saw the Boy as a Force Sensitive. They took the Boy as a Youngling and taught him in the Ways of the Jedi

Joran was trained with Droids and he was put on more difficult levels as he got older. He would meditate most of the time. He could pick up alot while he was meditating.He would study for his Exams every day to get smarter. (There are still more questions to be answered. :) First, did Joran lean towards the Force, or lightsaber combat, or both equally? Second, what was his relationship with the other Padawans like? Third, what was his relationship with the masters like? Did he develop friendships with any masters or fellow younglings? What sort of personality did he have as a youngling? These are all important things that will help flesh out your character.)

When he turned 12 he had moved up to the rank of Padawan. (He has to be selected as a Padawan first! How did Sirius chose him? Just because a master found a youngling, does not mean that they automatically chose them as a Padawan 9 years later.) He started helping his master in many crime cases. At this age he read many Datapads and he is really intelligent. (Things need to stay in the past-tense, so it needs to read 'he was really intelligent. Now, as I mod, I don't like for people to tell me things -- I like for people to show me things. He's intelligent? Show me how. Just being an encyclopedia doesn't mean he's intelligent. What habits does he have, how does he speak, what does he do that shows he's intelligent? If you want to support the stat, you're going to have to show me -- not just tell me.) He could name every single creature in the Galaxy and he was very fascinated of the Types of planets. (He can't name every creature in the Galaxy any more than I can name every sub-species of ant. Just because he has a rote memorization does not mean he is smart. Intelligence is based on how you learn, how you overcome challenges, and most importantly of all, how you make connections. Building new connections between things, and forming a web of knowledge is one of the signs of intelligence. In other matters, no person could have memorized that huge volume of information, so I'm going to have to say 'no' on knowing every species in the Galaxy.) He knows many languages and usually speaks those languages to the other younglings in the youngling section.[ (Learning languages is an arduous process, and very difficult -- especially learning multiple languages. If you want Joran to be gifted in linguists, you're going to have to show how he got to this point. What specific languages does he know? Is he fluent in them, or does he only know the fundamental basics? Who tought him? How long did it take? Knowing languages is a valuable skill, and something you can't just decide for your character to have.) Sometimes his friends would teach him words he shouldn't know. He learned to speak Rodian, understand Wookies, and talk to Jawas in the Cantinas. On nights when he slept he would have dreams of people dying. It would be mostly about a woman which scared him because he never knew this woman. He thrashed around in his sleep. until he woke up. (If Joran really were having these sorts of dreams, and they were so obvious to those around him, then his master, and other masters, would quickly intervene. There would be no reason for him to dream about some random woman, unless the Force was speaking to him -- and younglings don't have strong enough connections to the Force for this to happen. Usually, nightmares of people come out of memory, and Joran -- having been at the temple since he was 3 -- wouldn't have any memories of this sort. If you can show a clear purpose for these dreams, I'll let you keep them, but otherwise... I don't really think they're plausible.) He would always worry about the ones around him making sure their safe. His master was tough on him with Hand to Hand tactics. He would talk to the Archives about the history of the Galaxy so he can learn more about it. (I'm sure this was just an accidental typo, but since you can't talk to the Archives, them being a collection of data-pads and all, you need to change it to 'Archivers' or 'the librarians of the Jedi archives'.)

His Master would Spar with him until Joran would get better at combat. After he was done training him of basic punching and kicking he taught him moves he could use for self defense. When he finshed his training on Unarmed fighting he would test his knowledge by blocking his master's every move which would really fail because Joran wasnt really bright in using his senses. (This is a bit unclear, because you say he -would- block every move, but then you say he moved. Maybe you mean he would try to block every move? Also, you say that Joran is very smart, but yet, he doesn't use his senses well? This is a contradiction.)

He made a friend with a another youngling named Dovan Eran who was just like him. Same face but he was a Human youngling who had brown hair. The Master's had to use the Force to tell which one was Joran and which one was Dovan. (If one had brown hair, and Jorah has white hair, then why would they have to use the Force to tell them apart? I mean, that's a pretty big difference. Also, if Dovan is a youngling at this point, then Joran would be at least three years older. Is Dovan also a Padawan?) One master could already tell the difference because he remembered they're hair and used it to define them without thinking who they were. They were both moved up to the Rank of Padawan. (This is out of order in the bio... think you could move things around so they're in their proper places? Thanks!) Joran was the first to get his Master. He was a Shistavanen named Siriuster Shak’erter. He had to stay with this Master until he was a Knight. Until then he had to train under this Master and increase on his skills to get ready for the trials.

Okie doke! I hope I didn't scare you too bad, Joran. X) Making a Jedi bio does take a lot of work -- a Jedi is a character that should be approached with care and handled lovingly. X) I know all the above may seem overwhelming, but if you stick with it, and take things one at a time, it shouldn't seem so challenging. If you take the care now, while you're creating your character, it'll help your char to be a better one, in the end, and it'll also help you become a better RPer. ;D

G'd luck with your revisions!

~ Kella

[xavier]

EDITED

[Triss-chan - ... KAWAII!]

*thinks* hmmmm .... hmmmm hmmmm hmmmm Sirius + Crime Cases ... equals .... fish? ... definitely Salmon ... or maybe Tuna ... or most definitely Cod ... no my math is wrong ... not fish ... fish to the power of chips, remainder salt and vinegar. *sighs* this Is what Karma brings for my getting a C at GCSE ... basically ... the crime cases ... 'many' in a year ... no ... just no, maybe 1 or two ... but not 'many' he's thirteen ... not twenty ... when I was thirteen I was ... well you don;t want to know .. anyhows .. moving on....

Where to start ... first of all I don't think it ANYONE could master a Marital Art in 6 days ... well ... no one except Neo, who did it in less then a second, but he cheated, so yeah -_-' ... also, Sirius would probably teach him the Echani Marital Arts, since he knows, and mastered them, from his own Master.

- also ... I doubt Sirius would just 'let him have six days off to go home' ... more like a few hour or maybe a day if they just happened to be passing the planet by

Now then *deep voice* MY APPRENTICE! ... I FIND YOU LACK OF FAITH (in my teachings) DISTURBING! (not really because according to this what I critique here ... you make Sirius out to be one HECK of a teacher->) I doubt in a single year he could get 2 points in Shien, even with Sirius as his Master, maybe 1 if he was REALLY talented and payed attention yada yada yada perfect model student yada yada yada etcetera etcetera, which admittedly no one is and should ever be, for Mary's and Gary's sakes. But not 2, no one is THAT good lol .. well ... except Neo ... lol.

Maths .... Fish + Chips x (Salt + Vinegar) = ... A ... and if A is equal to Easter in the same way that B is equal to Egg ... what is C... yeah, like you said ... not sure if anyone has brought this up, but its very, very, very nearly impossible for a human to learn three languages in the space of a year, maybe get a smattering at 1 (this coming from a personage of whom has failed for 10 years to grasp any language other then English ... at which even that I struggle) so maybe you could tone that down to a little one a single one.

Also ... your last 4th to last and 2nd to last Paragraphs contradict each other:

"When he turned 12 he had been accept as a Padawan by Sirius."

" They were both moved up to the Rank of Padawan. Joran was the first to get his Master. With Sirius he had to train under him until he passed the trials and became a Knight. "

Deja Vu much?

Also, If SIrius was the one who found him ... then add some stuff about Sirius keeping an eye on Joran's training maybe, or something like that Im-pro-vise Reivax-san

On a comedic note: "His mother was weary of Sirius but still accepted."

.... Weary ... of an 8ft tall Wolfman with a lightsaber in each paw, I think weary would be that last word I would use ... maybe scared witless ... Weary makes it sound like Sirius had been ... nagging? or harassing ... he's more outgoing and firm then that, he would probably just kick-in knock on the door, tell them he's force-sensitive, what the options are and then let THEM argue it out ... and maybe stop them from hurting each other .. women can get violent if you suggest taking away their child ... unless her name is Enid Blyton ... now then where was I?


Black cloak? ... on a Padawan? ... waaaaaaay to ... Sith-y? lol ... if that is even an adjective, he would probably have brown like Sirius.

A 6! ... in ... unarmed combat ... tone it down ... and 3 ... maybe 4 ... probably 3 since he's 'wet behind the ears' 'fresh out the Temple' and you could probably justify a little bit of 'natural' fighting skill.


AND FINALLY .... A lightsaber named Jesus .... lolz ... major lolz

[xavier]

Well don't look at me theres a Kid at my school named Jesus. Thats why we called him Jay or Agent J but not Jesus. Its messing with the natural order. Who would do such a horrible thing??!!!!!

[Radu]

OK. You know a Jesus, I know a couple of Spanish guys named Jesus. There are a lot of people named Jesus on the world, as we speak. Still, how shall I put this...

Briefly, I am a bit on the fence about a Jedi naming his lightsaber at all. Furthermore, the name you chose sounds more like how a big, bad Mexican with a huge cross tattooed on his chest would name his trusty machete. Now, had there been a planet Earth somewhere in this galaxy, it would have sounded a bit prophetic (had it been during the pre-Christian period) or as a nod to a certain culture (after the Christian explosion), but, without one such planet... it just sounds really, really, out-of-place. Incongruous with the setting. Forced. Tacky. Not fun to read, even. This might explain Triss' lol.

That aside, you already have my suggestions.

[Triss-chan - ... KAWAII!]

*purrs*Some stuff I missed in the last review ... *blushes and bows* Gomenmasai!

Now 'den mesa apprentice .... I think you need to stop using the term 'mastered' Xavier-san, Mastered gives the impression of total understanding and control over something, try using another adjective.

Also ... "The Master was fascinated by Joran's endurance and strength for just an Humanoid" Sirius wouldn't really see that in a human, nor would he be fascinated by it I personally think, Sirius's Master could probably have broken a durasteel plate with his fist ... lol, Echani Master = Badass, but sewiouswy, Sirius has seen strong humans before, so unless Joran did a superman and lifted up a car or took lasers to the chest without a scratch, he would probably only just have a mild interest, not a fascination.

"Siriuster Shak'erter the Shivastanen" ... you already mentioned he was a Shistavanen Earlier -_-' no need to say it again *pets*

"The Master's had to use the Force to tell which one was Joran and which one was Dovan" a quick side-note, if by this you [were/i] referring to him ... Sirius wouldn't need to use the Force to tell them apart, he's basically a wolf, therefore his sense of smell would be acute enough to differentiate them purely by that without any need for the Force ... unless they wear the same cologne ... or had exactly the same sweat scent ... which would be odds of a brazilian to one lol.

Also, the Echani Martial Art does have different levels, so even after six weeks of training, Joran would probably have a very basic, good mind you but I stress basic, grasp of the Art's lowest Forms, as Wookpiepedia says:

"Echani children began by learning the foundations, progressing over time from one tier to the next as the instructor saw fit"

Sirius probably wouldn't just dump him on the highest level, no matter how much of a evil old wolf harsh trainer he might be, he would start him at the bottom and wouldn't let him progress until he was confident that Joran was ready.

Still need to tune down that Shien ... each skill point is roughly 2.4 years ... he has only been with Sirius for 1.5, but if you factor in the little he would probably know from his time in the Temple, maybe you could get away with a 1, like I said earlier.

"he would test his knowledge by blocking his master's every move which would really fail because Joran wasn't as strong as his Master"

1. By Really I think you mean Regularly?

2. Strength would have little to do with it, he would be completely outclassed, both in Strength, Speed and Skill, Sirius moves fast for an 8ft tall wolfman.

Going back to the whole 'parents' thing ... maybe you should write it out of the Bio, Sirius could probably teach him the Culture as well as the martial Art, and Sirius himself didn't know about his own culture until he was 20-odd, so he would probably know the importance of knowing about a persons culture and would teach it to Joran ... just a thought, you don't HAVE to do it, I'm no mod, I can only give opinions and just gently show you the way ... or call a chain-saw wielding mod to do it for me who will rip you to pieces faster then you can say Hoshi-no-tama *smiles innocently*

One last point, point one last, point last one, the last point this is, my young padawan ... *puts on singy-songy voice* you left the languages bit it .... *purrs*

[Kella]

It seems I'll be moving this to Incomplete Profiles, since Xavier is no longer registered as a member... I can send along the coding content of the post for anyone, if they'd like. :3 Just let me know... I'll move it in a couple days, so you know what's up, triss. xD