Nalan Arruna

[Arruna]

Character Name: Nalan Arruna
Character Source: SWU
Character Faction/Alignment: Republic (-3)
Type of Roleplay: Adventure, but it really doesn't metter if it was mixed with other type of RP.
Roleplay Requirements: This RP would be about rescuing Nalan's father. His name is Masurom, who disapeared a couple of weeks ago on a different planet and a team have to found him, Nalan would be the pilot. That's all. I don't have any special requests. Every details are up to the Staff, like Masurom's position or job, the reasons and opponent's identity. I like the surprises. Later, I like to RP this as a real event, I got some idea for that...
Reason for Request: Well ... I guess I should start somewhere, right? For a first step I want a Mentor to help me since this character different from the original one. It's important to found out her limits in this style.
Notes: I can't promise anything about how often I going to post.
Roleplay: [Coming soon...]

[Dutch]

Well, since my partner in crime has pretty much abandoned me, I'll have to take this, which works as I have a Republic Spec Ops trooper. But, remember, this is a mentoring thread, so it's more than just you "practicing", after every post you make, I will point out its faults and suggest what to do.

Go ahead and start the mentoring thread if you feel you are ready ;D

[Arruna]

/Modified/

For every soldier it is an honor to serve their nation and execute their superior's others. In reality, a few things are different. The pilots are doing their duties with the thought that they could die in every single mission and only a slight metal wall is there between them and the cold, dark space. This fact cannot be changed, that makes people worry and confused, but their everyday life helped them to get used to the danger by not thinking about it.

Like every other day, it was just a simple and boring one to her, and she knew that when she took her first step into the building of base. She passed through the corridor until she reached the office where she used to got her daily duties. Since she wasn't always on a spaceship she got different kinds of exercise in the base. The usual pilot suit was on her, simple, one-colored and sometimes uncomfortable. Only one fact cheered her up, it was uncomfortable to others as well. Nalan was marching into the commander's office with some doubt about if it was going to be a good thing. But not like she got a chance to resist. Yesterday she was told that today she had a different job. She was wandering what could it be...

[Dutch]

Ok Nalan- first of all, I'm gonna try to help you with your English typing, I understand that it isn't your primary language, so what I'll do here is highlight words/ phrases that need to be fixed, then suggest how to fix it. Now- due to this being a secondary language, we will do this solo style, basically, you will post all on your own, and I will simply try to help. Once I see some improvement in your grammar/ spelling, I may throw my Republic trooper in.

So, don't get frustrated, or upset, I always give compliments as well ;D

For every soldier it is an honor to serve their national{I believe you mean nation} and execute their superior's other{Orders?}. In the{Remove that, not needed} reality, a few things are different. The pilots are doing they{their} duties with the thought {Add "that" here} they could die in every single mission and only a slight metal wall is there between them and the cold and{use a "," here instead of two ands} dark space. This fact cannot be changed, that's{that} makes people worry and confused, but the{their} everyday life helped them to got to{get} used to the danger by don't think{not thinking} about it.

That's all I could get done at this time, feel free to look it over and study it, but I promise I'll finish the rest of your post asap.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok Nalan, sorry if it wasn't in one piece, but I got some time to finish up your first post review.

Like every other day, that{it} was just a simple and boring one to her, and she knew that when she took her first step into the building{What building?}. Her way{she} passed through the corridor until she reached the office section{You can take that out, it's unnecessary} where she used to got her dairy{daily} duties. Since she wasn't always on a spaceship she got different kinds of exercise in the base. The usual pilot suit was on her, simple, one-colored and sometimes uncomfortable. Only one fact cheered her up, it was uncomfortable to others as well{this made me laugh XD}. Nalan was marching into the commander's office with some doubt about{if} it was going to be a good thing. But not like she got a choice.{A choice about what?} Yesterday she was told that today she got something{had a} different job, what had to be done.{remove, not needed} She was wandering about{wondering, don't need the 'about'} what could it be...

Alright Nalan, it may seem like a lot, and I know it could be frustrating, but have patience. Your a talented writer, and I really look forward to reading more and learning more about Nalan- your character. Take what I say, and build off of it. I have no doubt you'll be given a golden ticket from me soon ^^

[Arruna]

[Sorry for waiting, but I thought I only suppose to reply to your post and not to creat a whole scene to myself ]

Before the door she stopped because of the impression of being spied, someone was over there, she was quite sure. Early in the morning who could looking after her or what reason could it be, anyway? Facing to the closest person to her, after that the second and there was it. Or more like a 'she'. Another officer, but what more important was her girlfriend, Viona, from her earlier school. A Rodian that was two years older than Nalan, by now she over ranked her. The woman was her classmate, they practiced the dance together and sometimes Nalan invited all her friends to her place for a dance house party. Those days were over, but they friendship was for ever, even in spite of Nalan's change.

With quick moves, Viona Hoph'rola stepped aside her like someone with an important massage. Nalan only could nod to her shortly before Viona accosted her.

"Hay, Nalan! I got to talk to you before you go in there..." her hand graped Nalan's shoulder and pressed it likely to make her pay more attention.
"What's up, Viona?!" her lips kept open.
"Uhh, your breath smells like ... " Nalan's face showd than it was better if Viona didn't finished that sentence " What a hell you think you are? ... look about your first mission ... I find some problem in your data sheet perhaps you could make this clear to me. Take a look at there" with this she handled a E-board.
~It was just beer ... or two.~ She told to herself.
" Who me? I'm still Chadorhi Muage" replied giddily before took a better look at the board."Ehh show me... lemme see . First, I am a freighter pilot,and not a starfighter rider. So actually if the commander want to send me to this mission, we could kiss good-bye to our career and life Hehe... What we still got here? Hmm, 500 hours flying experience in simulator? No way! The requirement was only 150 for the exam, my teacher was too kind when I kissed him to let me pass. And now may you let me in?"
"What? Are you nuts, Chadorhi?!" the rodian wanted to continue, but Nalan opened the door and it seemed like nothing could stop her to make something really bad. Viona just stood by there, couldn't do anything, except to realize the fact what just happened.

There were a table in the middle and some chair and two people. One was standing when Nalan arrived, he was a more than two meter height, was built as strong as a Wookiee. And in front of her was the commander. For a moment there was silence in the whole room, because of the voice what followed the blue girl from outside, but nobody knew the reason of it.

"Chief Warrant Arruna, take a seat" said the triple-eyed and the little twi'lek set down, but her eyes went to the wookie and returned to the commander. "Chof'ton Waa will explain you the situation"

Nalan blinked twice and with her big widen, curios eyes she turned to the standing carpet, who started his speech with high enthusiasm.

"Whoo-mhooor wooroo hauuu rooodooa, woo-haa-woo-doo..." he continued for three minutes till he stopped for some reason, perhaps that was the end, but Nalan only realized this after another ten second.

"Bless you" that was the only think she could respond after that cough. She faced again to the commander for some answer, by chance he knew what was it about.
"What was that Chief Warrant? Don' you speak the language of wookie's?" enquired the commander with perplexity "Why haven't you told me in the first place?"
"Do the wookies have a language? Sorry, I couldn't get it, Chief. I thought he want to scare me, but right after that I find out you would explain me what he tried to cry out... If it was all about a starfighter piloting I wouldn't work because..."
"Idiot! Chof'ton Waa said they find your father"
"Oohhh"

[Rugs]

Hey, just letting you know I haven't forgotten about you. I will try my best to get to this as soon as possible, so keep checking back.

[Rugs]

Ok, forgive me for the long wait, but here we go.

Now, I see that English isn't your first language, and as such, I'll take that into account and try to help you out with some of the major phrasing issues and whatnot.

Oct 12, 2009 6:23:26 GMT -5 Arruna said:

[Sorry for waiting, but I thought I only suppose to reply to your post and not to creat a whole scene to myself ]

Before the door she stopped because of the impression of being spied, someone was over there, she was quite sure. Early in the morning who could looking after her or what reason could it be, anyway? Facing to the closest person to her, after that the second and there was it. Or more like a 'she'. Another officer, but what more important was her girlfriend, Viona, from her earlier school. Two year older rodian than Nalan{Ok, this should be "A Rodian that was two years older than Nalan"}, by now she over ranked her. The woman was her classmate, they practiced the dance together and sometimes Nalan invited all her friends to her place for a dance house party. Those days were over, but they friendship was for ever, even in contempt of Nalan's change{This should be "in spite of Nalan's change"}.

With quick moves, Viona Hoph'rola stepped aside her like someone with an important massage. Nalan only could wag shortly before Viona accosted her. {This sentence is a tad confusing, and I can't really figure out what you're getting at with it. Do you mean that Nalan shook before she was accosted?}

"Hay, Nalan! I got to talk to you before you go in there..." her hand graped Nalan's shoulder and pressed it likely to make her pay more attention.
"What's up, Viona?!" her lips kept open.
"Uhh, your breath smells like ... " Nalan's face showd than it was better if Viona didn't finished that sentence " What a hell you think you are? ... look about your first mission ... I find some problem in your data sheet perhaps you could make this clear to me. Take a look at there" with this she handled a E-board.
"It was just beer ... or two. Who me? I'm still Chadorhi Muage" replied giddily "Ehh show me... let me look ... first I am freighter pilot, not a starfighter rider... so actually if the commander want to send me to this mission we can kiss good-bye to our career and life Hehe... What we still got here hmm... 500 hours flying experience in simulator? No way! The requirement was only 150 for the exam, my teacher was too kind when I kissed him to let me pass. And now may you let me in..." {I'm going to assume that Nalan is drunk here, and as such, this is adequately strange XD}
"What? Are you nuts, Chadorhi?!" the rodian wanted to continue, but Nalan opened the door and it seemed like nothing could stop her to make something really bad. Viona just stood by there, couldn't do anything, except to realize the fact what just happened.

Well designed walls at four direction inside the commander office.{Now, this sentence is a fragment, and really isn't all that necessary, in my opinion} There were a table in the middle and some chair and two people. One was standing when Nalan arrived, he was a more than two meter height, strong build wookie{Are you saying that he is a Wookiee, or he was built as strong as a Wookiee?}. And in front of her was the commander. For a moment there was silence in the whole room, because of the voice what followed the blue girl from outside, but nobody knew the reason of it.

"Chief Warrant Arruna, take a seat" said the triple-eyed{Wha? does the Commander have three eyes?} and the little twi'lek set down, but her eyes went to the wookie and returned to the commander. "Chof'ton Waa will explain you the situation"

Nalan blinked twice and with her big widen, curios eyes she turned to the standing carpet, who started his speech with high enthusiasm.

"Whoo-mhooor wooroo hauuu rooodooa, woo-haa-woo-doo..." he continued for three minutes till he stopped for some reason, perhaps that was the end, but Nalan only realized this after another ten second. {Haha, good job at doing Wookiee-speak. And that clears up my earlier question}

"Bless you" that was the only think she could respond after that cough. She faced again to the commander for some answer, by chance he knew what was it about.
"What was that Chief Warrant? Don' you speak the language of wookie's?" enquired the commander with perplexity "Why haven't you told me in the first place?"
"Do the wookies have a language? Sorry, I couldn't get it, Chief. I thought he want to scare me, but right after that I find out you would explain me what he tried to cry out... If it was all about a starfighter piloting I wouldn't work because..."
"Idiot! Chof'ton Waa said they find your father"
"Oohhh"

Alright, all in all, not bad. Keep it up.

Also, since English isn't your primary language, I'd like to direct you here; it might be a bit of help for you.

Keep up the hard work ;D

[Arruna]

Post modified. ^^
To answer some of your questions I tell you...

"Do you mean that Nalan shook before she was accosted?"
No, she just nodded, but didn't shook.

She didn't drink that much, therefore I tried to make her speech a bit better.

Chof'ton Waa was a wookie, who got strong budy.

"Wha? does the Commander have three eyes?"
There're no too many species with three eyes, anyway the captain is like to be a gran.

Oh yeah wookie language "...woo-haa-WOO-DOO" (They are always suspicious)

To be continue...

[Arruna]

/Post modified/

What a surprise it was, her mouth kept open after hearing the news of her father. Not like she was fond of him, but after these weeks at least someone, somewhere knew about him. For a moment she found herself quite humiliated, 'but at the same time it was exciting. Then why was she shocked? Memories hoped into her mind, painful moments that she did not wish to recall, her only desire about that man was to have some kindness in their relation. Still, that was long ago, too long and now she didn't want anything from him. He was meaningless to her, a puppet, an empty husk and nothing else.

"Masurom, your father, is alive, Ms Arruna" continued the commander to get to the point, but the blue one just looked in front of her.

For Nalan, he was dead, and she had no concern with him anymore, but there was still someone who might have business with her father. It is Shi'eraly, her mother. Poor women, how could she love a man like that? Nalan never understood. But in spite of her wish for that man to be cursed, there was a bond that she could not deny. It was a bond that tied her to the rest of the family, and kept all of them together; Shi'eraly, Masurom, and herself.

"And what is your other sir?" She enquired with a heavy tone, and the words had hardly left her lips before she raised her eyes from the depth.

...

The door closed behind her when she came out of the office, as here her serious look went through the area, which seemed dreadful and the air filled of horror. Everything was the same, only her mood was...

'You look awful, Chadorhi. What happened?"A familiar female voice sounded, but Nalan wanted to remain silent. Viona came closer, looked at her eyes and saw her suffering.
"Oh my ... come with me" Than the Rodian led her to the corridor, and there she got a better look of her.
"Come on! Don't fall apart ... what's going on for Force's sake?"Asked Viona, this time louder as her heart sank.

Finally Nalan's trembling voice broke the silence when her eyes found her girlfriend's,
"They sent me after my father"

"Holy frog saliva!"

[Silas]

So I'm going to just go into this the same way Dutch and Rugs did, and we'll go from there. Right now your writing isn't too bad, its mostly just grammar, and word misuse. Therefore at the moment we'll work on that, and progress to where I respond to your posts at some point. Without further ado, my response:

Jun 30, 2010 15:13:31 GMT -5 Arruna said:

What a surprise it was, her mouth kept open after hearing the news of her father.,That should probably be a period, but that means you should capitalise this not over here ---> If you meant for it to be a comma, well then you have a horrible run on sentence that needs to be broken up. not like she was fond of him, but after these weeks at least someone, somewhere knew about him. For a moment she found her position If it were me I'd change position she found herself quite umiliated. quite humiliated, but suddenly This is sort of an awkward wording, you should probably change it to something along the lines of: 'but at the same time it was exciting' to make it flow better it was exciting. Than This should be then, not than. Than is used for comparisons, while then references a series of events. why was she shocked? Memories hoped inThis should be into her mind, painful moments what What should be that in this instance she did not wish to recall, insert and so that its not a run on sentence her only desire was about that man This wording is incredibly awkward as well, it should be something like 'her only desire about that man was to have some kindness in their relation. ButGenerally you shouldn't start a sentence off with but, you should change it to Still and then a comma that was a long ageis that age supposed to be ago? I'm not sure what this sentence is getting at to be honest. Did she want him to have a kind relationship in the past, but now she just wants him to leave her alone? That's what I interpret it as, but its very oddly stated if that is the case., too long and now she didn't want anything from him. heCapitolise he since it is the beginning of a new sentence was meaningless to her, a poppetI'm pretty sure you want puppet, not poppet., an empty husk and nothing else.

"Masurom, your father, is alive, Ms Arruna" continued the commander to get to the point, but the blue one just looked in front of her.

For herHere you need a comma, but it probably would be more effective if you used her real name, especially since it is immediately followed by another pronoun. he was dead, andshe had no concern with him anymore, but there was still someone who may hadmight have business with her father,Should be a period and you should start a new sentence. it was Shi'eraly, her mother. Poor women, how could she love a man like that? Nalan never understood. But in spide spite of her wish to be cursed that man Once again you have a case of awkward wording. Change it to 'But in spite of her wish for that man to be cursed', there was a bond whatthat she could not deny. The bond that tied her up to the family and was keeping together Shi'eraly and Masurom, and also her. The way you phrased this sentence made it into a fragment, so you should change it to something like " It was a bond that tied her to the rest of thi family, and kept all of them together; Shi'eraly, Masurom, and herself. "

"And what is your other sir?" enquired she Should probably either be 'enquired -insert name/description of her here-' or 'She enquired' with a heavy tone, words hardlyshould be 'and the words had hardly' left her lips as before she raised her eyes from the depth.

...

The door closed behind her when she came out of the office, insert as here her serious look went through the area, which seemed dreadful and the air filled of horror. Everything was the same, only her mood was...

"Awful is your look,[Unless she has a weird way of talking this should be 'You look awful,] Chadorhi. What happened?"A familiar female voice sounded, but Nalan wanted to remain silent. Viona came closer, looked at her eyes and saw her suffering.
"Oh my ... came[come] with me" Than the Rodian leadled her to the corridor, and there she got a better look of her.
"Come on! Don't fall apart ... what's going on for Force's sake"Asked Who asked? I know, but you still need to include it this time louder with as? I think her heart sank.

Finally Nalan's trembling voice broke the silence when her eyes found her girlfriend's. Should be a comma
"They sent me after my father"

"Holy frog saliva!"

Okay well, that might be a lot of blue, but you just need to work on your word choice, and grammar! Once you get that down you'll be one hundred percent better. :3

[Arruna]

Wow, yeah I see that I got a lot of blue there, especially, 'cause I use that color for Viona ;D
I edited my post, so you can get your answers for all of the questions what you asked. But now I like to try a different style if you don't mind,
(In the moment I don't have any idea for Nalan's story)

So basically, it's about a miraluka girl who lives in a tribe and...

...


Slowly marching toward the midst of the field, on the usual path, the same as so many times before. Narvin on the front, a female from her tribe, with whom she hit the road to seek firewood. In this season the nights were cold, and even men joined to take care of these kinds of works when it was too much for woman. Sluggish advancing forward the distant forest, where flammable wood could be found. In their arms the usual tools, which helped them carry pieces of wood. They carried weapons to aid in their self defense. They were simple people, who wore leather cloths and mad their living off gifts they collected from nature such as her wildlife and so forth. Their knowledge hand't surpassed the horizon, as far as they know, the only things that existed was what they could see. Only the old tales gave them some ideas about "star travelling" and "sky-fighters", people who had traveled around the stars and had fought both good and evil. There were only a few who had met aliens, but those stories were hardly believable. She herself held a staff, that was the tool of challenge. It was a tradition that men challenged one another for leadership, honor and respect, it was mandatory for them.. For woman it was self-defense, mostly against nature's animals. She disliked these challenges, just needless pain and fighting among her own people. The violent clashes as of late weren't frequent among these peoples.
Narvin wasn't related to her, but they shared a close bond. These simple people were on their own every day, they were dependant on each other. The bond they shared demanded they respect each other as much as possible for their own survival. Nevertheless it was different either to be a man or a woman in the tribe. The first one overranked the second one, more or less their duties were different. Even in small communities not everyone knew each other, but usually they knew who was related to whom. Time passed by slowly, the hours were meaningless. They didn't give any though to time, only summers were counted and moons. Only their duty to uphold peace was important. It was a few more steps across the field before they found a fallen and cankerous tree on the ground. Perhaps an animal had caused it's untimely end. She picked up a stick which was leaving its birthplace with a voice of cranch, the log. It seemed fine, she motioned for her partner to came close, they got what they came for. Yet, the forest didn't need to go. In the distance a third figure appeared, Zolvor who was one of their hunters. He was heading back home with his prey. He got a bit closer to say hello to our heroine and Norin. It didn't take long for another one to arrive, but this one was different. It descended the sky it among the simple people, the huge, fire breathing, metal monster. It was causing the ground to shake and alter the face of the land. Gray and black colors were its dress, fierce and vile noises erupted from the strange creation no one had ever seen before. Unimaginable for them, it was as if it was the end of world or a god had set foot on the land. The soft sand had been touch, it was as if a shouting voice calmed down, like the heart of the beast stopped. "Whoosh" was heard as a space opened on the side of metal being's body. The door rushed out and a huge blue-white colored figure stepped through the doorway. It's eyes were in one big point, it was covering his face, a mask, and his skin resembled the shining Sun, shimmering like a ghost. In his hands a well-grown piece of black wood, a kind of magic wand. "The sky-fighter!" someone yelled. Of course, as Miralukas they saw all of thise through a different angle, but the alieness frightened them. Without knowing, it was an alien sent among them to hunt, in armor and with weapons. For them this felt like the end. Narvin, in her frightened state was seeking shelter behind them. In the sudden moment it disapprovingly effected the alien and suspiciously it pulled the trigger. A loud buzz passed over the earth, through sky and heavens, penetrating their ears. The foreign hellish music reached the bushes at the other side of the field. At the same time a short scream broke free from a flaming dead throat. Dead it was whose body trembling when it had fallen to the ground, like a poppet was falling onto the dry dust. Opposite steps followed one another. Dolina took one step backwards, then recoiled, the stranger was getting angry. From her partner a war cry broke out. One of them was murdered and that life wanted to be avenged. After all, it wasn't a warrior was hit, but a helpless women. The fear turned into anger, the misunderstanding into surprising pain. Lifting his spear he sprinted towards the armored being, whose identity was still unknown. That matter vanished meaninglessly. Every step that he took brought him closer towards panicing and the wand of thunder breath was turning at him. The girl felt in every ounce of her being the enjoyment the alien was feeling fill his soul. Only idly watching after someone such as an hero ran to his death, whom words could not follow any longer. Everything seemed so far away, everthing that bonded him to her. Those steps flew him away like waves. One was lost in doubts, other was in licentiousness. A new buzz broke out, passing through the field, a new horror and death. In front of her two partners fallen as she whispered their names, the grass danced for them during the Grass' dance the wind murmured a song across the whole field. She was stammering toward the ground, cursing him while mourning. The whole thing was a meaningless gathering of evil. In an seemingly bottomless abyss of sadness, where was no way back. When she raised her head to peer at the stranger the gun was pointed at her throat.


[There are two females, so far I haven't mentioned the main char's name. ]

[Arruna]

I managed to find those mistakes, but I think I still need help for this...

...


....she glanced at the eye of death. As she expected, if she had to die she would with dignity, for she wasn't different from the other two neither to attack nor to runaway, just turning toward the unknown. Then the stress was so hard, solid almost touchable in the air. A step, then another, and many more followed. A foot of the alien sat on their land after leaving the ramp. They just stood there. When deeds could not help, Dolina, the eccentric one, - as everyone knew her - addressed words to the murderer. What could possibly a mortal say to an almighty? Hard moment it was. Those few moments apparently were an endless waiting.

Finally the riffle went lower and with that another structure appeared in his hand. Sullenly eyeing it, the girl fell on the ground. Something came so fast towards her, that it covered her prone then it reduced to keep her on the ground, where she couldn’t move. Dolina figured that a net tied her there that gotten her with the speed of an arrow. Its touch was strong and stiff. Then two boots stood next to her, for a moment she was frozen, but Dolina wasn't on the menu for carrion-feeding birds. Dolina closed in. As she woke up she found herself in darkness, in every direction she found walls. Some places had furniture, a mattress was bellow of her and a closed door hide the path to the outside world. Her head was in pain and her limps would spasm when she attempted to get up.

All of these movements were hard, as she was straightening her breaths began to be difficult. In the redesigned room was where she was kept in a prison. Far away from the land, the girl felt herself as a bird would. Being unable to decide which direction was up and down, it was a strange feeling. In the tummy of a space vessel which just left the planet this feeling wasn't surprising. No field, no tribe will be part of her life anymore. She was beginning a new life style which she couldn’t imagine. For minutes she was staring the walls, for she had never been closed in a small place. It took a big effort to slowly and extra carefuly stand up. Finally. What's next? Good question, after all she only had been a few times in a city, even then she couldn't get familiar with the function of a door. Theoretically it used to have a "handle", This one didn't have any. Scratching her little head and peeking at the nothing, while helplessly she begun to push it, so she could repel the harum-scarum structure. However, the stubborn thing adhered itself. Who knew how long she tried but while it opened, it had been caused by an external influence.

The floor was uneven and its end had steps of a construction. A stairs? Though it had an unusual curve, and the form formed was terrible, made by strange hands. Then an elegantly dressed man paced in front of her from the last cabin. Perhaps it was a lightdress, somekind of symbol on it. Sadly, she couldn't find out its meaning. For sure the hut was part of the dress. the whole figure was weird. He told her he was going to show her a few things.

[Silas]

Arruna, I want to personally say that your writing in and of itself is very good, however, you need to drastically work on your grammar. I understand fully as to why your grammar isn't perfect, but that's what we'll be working on for a while it seems. I have no doubts that you have the perfect creativity and ability to rp excellently, now we just need to get your english up to match that ability!

Anyway, do you have some sort of word processor that is able to use english? If you don't, I'd very much like to hook you up with one. I really would like to help you, and if you have /any/ questions on the below edits, don't be afraid to ask. Once you're done I'd like to reread it before we move on! Plus I have to work on your profile as well, so I'll have something to work on! :3

Don't be intimidated by the amount of blue; your writing is very good, as is your vocabulary, but we need to work on using it in a correct way! Just hang in there, Arruna!

...she glanced at the eye of death. As she expected, if she had to die she would with dignity, for she wasn't different from the other two; The original period could be omitted, and a semi-colon might be substituted to make it more grammatically correct, while still holding the effect you wanted. :3 the next word should then be lower case -> Nneither to attack nor to runaway, just to turn towards the unknown. Then the stress was so hard, solid almost touchable in the air. A pace, than a lot followed the first one. (  This might just be me, but I find the wording here quite confusing. You might want to say “A step, then another, and many more followed. Also, ‘than’ is a comparison, while ‘then’ is a sequence of events. I think you meant the latter ). A foot of the alien sat on their land after leaving the ramp. They just stood there. When deeds could not help, Dolina, the eccentric one, - as everyone knew her - addressed words to the murderer. What could possibly a mortal say to awhen you’re using ‘a’, if the next word starts with a vowel (a,e,i,o,u) it should be an almighty? Hard moment it was.Unless you’re intentionally talking like Yoda, this should be ‘It was a hard moment’ xD However, the other way is correct, just a type of speech which was created by Shakespeare, and isn’t much used.) Apparently, an endless waiting was that only took a few moment. ”Also confusing, and worded strangely. I’m going to let you try to figure out what’s wrong, because I’m tricksy like that.

Finally the riffle went lower and with that another structure appeared in his hand. Sullenly eyeing it, the girl fallen <- Should be ‘fell’ on the ground. Prone, something covered her that came so fast to her. Well, you once again need to work on wording. Prone could work, but it should be stated more like ‘Something came so fast towards her, that it covered her prone, then It reduces, kept her on the ground, she couldn't move’kept her on the ground’ should be changed slightly, it just doesn’t comform to grammar. I can’t tell you what rule its breaking, but it needs reworking.... try instead ‘it reduced to keep her on the ground, where she couldn’t move.. Dolina Ffigured that a net tied her there that gotten her with the speed of an arrow. It's touching was strong and stiff. Then two boots stood next to her, for a moment she was frozen, but Dolina wasn't on the menu for carrion-feeding birds. Being closed in <- This is a fragment, you should put a subject like her name, or a pronoun ‘he, she, ect.’ . As she woke up she found herself in darkness, in every direction she found walls.spaceSome places had furniture, a mattress was bellow of her and a closed door hiddenhide the path ofto the outside world. Her head was in pain and limps in spasm when she attempted to get up. You need to clear that up, kiddo! The end where you say ‘limps in spasm’ just doesn’t make sense. I’m assuming you mean something like ‘her limps would spasm when she…’ but that’s just my guess!

All of these movements were hard, as she was straightening, her breaths turnedbegan to be difficult. Inside a lower case ->Redesigned room was where she was kept in a prison. Far away from the land, the girl felt herself as a bird would. Being unable to decide which direction was up and down, it was a strange feeling. In athe tummy of a space vessel which just left the planet this feeling wasn't surprising. No field, no tribe will be part of her life anymore. She was joinning to a life style what she couldn't imagen.Okay, a couple of things in this last sentence. Firstly, you added an extra ‘n’ in joining, secondly ‘imagen’ should be ‘imagine’, and lastly you don’t make much sense in that last sentence. Do you mean ‘She was beginning a new life style which she couldn’t imagine?’ For minutes she was staring the walls, for she had never been closed in a small place. It took (lower case -->) A big effort to slowly and carefuly  add an extra l stand up. Finally. What's next? Good question, after all she only had been a few times in a city, even there I think you mean ‘then’ she couldn't get familiar with the function of a door. Theorically  should be theoretically it used to has have a "handle", This one didn't have any. Scratching her little head, and peeking at the uneventfulness,this isn’t a real word, unfortunately (I do stuff like this all the time), just try to put your thoughts down in another way while helplessly she begun to push it, so she could repel the harum-scarum structureinsert period here However, the stubborn thing adhered itself. Who knew how long she tried, while once it opened, caused by external influence. I put a comma in there, but you need to change the wording after that first comma. Something like “but while it opened, it had been caused by an external influence.

The floor was uneven, in the late degrees of ended, then rised up into small pieces.’in the late degrees of ended’ is kind of confusing to me. What are you trying to say there? Please adjust that a little bit. Also, while ‘rised’ isn’t a word ‘rose’ is! :3 A stairs, but it had an unusual curve, and the formed isis should be ‘was’ terrible, made by strange hands. Then an elegantly dressed man paced in front of her from the lattestthat should be last cabin. Perhaps it was a light | dress, some | kind of symbol on it. Sadly, she couldn't find out its meaning. For sure the hut was part of the dress. the whole figure was weird. He told her he was going to show her a few things.

[Arruna]

Wow, nice home work, Teacher, but you really shouldn't worry too much about me. I did much more for this text So a little correction work won't scare me. n_n (Btw I like the blue)

Do I have...? Yeah I have some help here like
www.spellchecker.net/spellcheck/
translate.google.com/translate_t?hl=en&ie=UTF8&text=Had+I+been+able+to+go+to+school+as+a+child%2C+I+would+have+learned+how+to+read.&langpair=en|de#

Now what we have here? Now I ignore a few things and only focus on the interesting ones.

"Hard moment it was."
Yes, in some places I inteded to use different methods, and solutions to give something back from the origin text's taste. To read something like the origin I should use a 300 years old English language.

I read those old books, (classics) in English, that's the "word enviroument" what I like to use. Blaaa...

You said I have good creativity and ability to RP, well I don't know exactly how good I am, but what I see is that I should be a way better in English to get at least closer for my real "level".

"Apparently, an endless waiting was that only took a few moment."
That was a good one, a little homework. Well it seems that I got a little logical mix up here. I changed it.

"It reduces, kept her on the ground, she couldn't move"
You can't tell me? Perhaps it just sounds better the way you put it. It's just more English kind...

"limps in spash"
Here I thought if something can be "in pain" then things also can be "in spash"

"She was joinning to a life style what she couldn't imagen"
You figured, there's nothing else to be said.

"The floor was uneven, in the late degrees of ended, then rised up into small pieces"
Well I dunno what the hack is this, it suppose to be something totally different. Perhaps I was really tired when I typed it.

Can we move on?

[Silas]

I think everything is in line, I mostly wanted to make sure I caught everything :3

Anyway, lets move on!

[Arruna]

Yeah, it's totally understandable after what you told me.

...


'Wherever you go the wind follows you'



In days of old...


Many years had passed since the birth of Dolina. In fact, these people don't care less about time. After all, rarely anything significant happened during those years. The seasons were changing, rainy days came and the time of hunting when beasts were many and the preys were ample. Then the time of privation came, the winter. The Great Circle, that lives everywhere in the nature. For an indigenous people what mostly counted was the 'when' and 'where' they could find better living conditions. So if it needed they traveled, then with time they came back to the old land. Dolina was a Miraluka. A kind of human that hadn't been given the sense of seeing, but something else had been that others hadn't. Hearing, tasting and when a mosquito landed at her skin she hit it at once (touching). For orientation she got a different help, called the Force. It is hard to describe what the Force really is. Although, what they Miraluka see about the world is similar to what others see. Some of the great Jedi were capable of seeing the world this way and explained it. In this tribe, no body knew the Jedi. They didn't hear about it. Even the word of "seeing" were used as what they were doing, but they knew that others saw things differently. Some saga and legend were "live" among them, those remain from the past. By now these were only rumors to hear when a small group visited a city to trade. Then they heard things from strangers, whom somehow came to the planet. Dolina could count with her fingers on her one hand how many times she had been in a city. There the tents were various and people were very many.

Crowd, bustle, many alien creatures who talk so much that it caused a headache. She hadn't gotten to used to talking much, because in her place nothing happened . Actually not all bonds tied her to the tribe. Twelve moons ago as Ashanna Lerr - her aunt - left the planet, Ashana's sister went away from home as well. Leaving a developed area to join to a tribe. It was a huge trip to take between the two worlds, and she left everything behind. Very early she married, after all, in a tribe a thirteen years old girl was a women and ready for the motherhood. Dolina's mother was much older than this. She hadn't told too much about her past, for why she left her homeland. It wasn't polite, for in a tribe the family bond was the strongest one, and to brake it was such an unholy deed, and crime. Therefore, even Dolina hadn't known everything of her family's story and her origin for a while. Sometimes small details came to the surface of her knowledge, one of them was about her aunt, Ashanna Lerr who departed to the stars, like her aunt did once. It was a weird family tradition. Her tribe was around two hundred people. They were one as the Nature intended it. They follow its rules and with them they lived day after day. Without writing or electricity, but even a single fountain wasn't around. Only the river, rocks and the thing they sat their feet on; it was called the land. The knowledge of Shamanism and of cooking were they top science. All the man and woman live in Hierarchy.

Their age was an important matter, because wisdom overranked the boldness of youngling at a time of hunting, and man were in charge. The big families lived together in a traditional way, so cousins and the every brunch of the family tree were together. Formerly battles decided the leadership among these peoples. In these days peace born in their hearths by match making between each tribe. When a boy didn't find a partner in his own tribe the neighbors took care of him and gave him a wife. Naturally the boys could say "no" if he disliked the bride. Conversely, the girls were vulnerable to other's will. Even if a pig-faced, foot-haired lad appeared they couldn't resist, the girl had to live with him. Dolina was special, she was one of those who had a family name. Everybody else only owned a first name, or they called one another by a name added to his or her’s father's or mother's name. For example, Huvel sun. Rufel. She was quite girl, Dolina, who was good in pottery, had a fine sense of cooking and knew something about fighting. The other girls told more than she, the girl did not gossip and this was respected very much by lads. When she was talking she did it only briefly, concisely and she did not waste many words. Her talent of good ideas was trully revealed when her speeches were heard as she spoke. Mostly her good perception of the human's hearth was interesting and her the great knowledge of men impressed others. Those were considered to be a man who was married, so they couldn't marry her. The very thing that kept the lads away from her was nothing else, but her "hearing of whispers". It was a kind of after life speech what she could hear, the ghosts addressed to them, but only a Shaman could receive these massages.

An important religiously virtue it was in case of this female. The Shaman lady had to remain virgin, because otherwise she would lose her power of hearing the spirits, that was what wise people and their superstition said. Of course, everyone wanted to keep contact to their dead relatives, so Dolina's marriage ceremony was always placed to a later time. Sometimes a Shaman or future tellers died alone without any partner, because of this tradition. She did not intend to leave this world as a singly. It was said that Ashanna Lerr left the world alive and passed into sky and such a deed proved Dolina's ability, since quite spiritual things happened in her familty. .Supposedly, Ashanna was capable of telling the healing of another world. That was a very important matter in the superstitious tribe. They did not expected that the girl with the help of the Force felt things. Good omen, with time as they thought she would become a better wizard or healer, she joined to the Shaman's disciples. Practicing together, making ceremonies and sacrifice were her job. However, in general, Dolina(’s) only was part of the audience who listened in ceremonies. Her presence strengthened the attention. The word of life was a big thing around here. Always the main topic and symbol of the prosperity. The rich got more prey, had more leather and his dress was nicer when it was made of a big beast. From a distance it was not eye catching, but nearer they recognized it by touching. Among them to touch each other was a normal habit, to hug during a ritual, that was part of the every day life. To raise children and cooking were part of the female duty and part of being a female.

Dolina was the oldest among her siblings, there were six of them all together. Shame that she wasn't grown taller, but it proved she was more sustained than others, especially in case of house work. Challenging was a duty for man and required as sport. To earn a rank and others respected, this was the way of manhood. The one who won most of the challenges in a year could challenge the chieftain. No one wished to change the boss - whom they respected so much - in every year, so they only challenged the current chief once every tenth years. Dorina, among the ladies was well-trained in the Do-jivo fighting style. Mostly it consisted of turnings and wide moves with a staff. Originally it was used for ceremonies, from csome dance move. As a Shaman disciple she had to make containers and collecting plant for rituals. Rather strong she became, but it wasn't polite to help to the ladies. Everybody had their own duty to do and they were responsible for that. If someone helped to the others that was a sign of courtship. From that they got a closer relationship. Working together was the begining of a romance. Being together was the only possible way to marriage. Before that all the members of the families kept their eyes on them. There was no room for coincident, they were rebuked for all of their mistakes. Even for early kisses they could get punishment. For ladies the fighting was serious and the lads had to pass some test to prove their worthiness and manhood. Not like in cities. Working together made them get to used to one another. Without work the tribe would be dead, so laziness was an unknown phrase. Whoever for some reason was lazy than he was exiled very soon, those probably died in the prairie. With time the young couple could swear an early oath.

It served the couple for to be together, but not at night in a tent. If they handled to be together without fighting - about two months -, then they could be married. The test of tolerance. There wasn't such thing like divorce, a bad marriage was a big trouble, but there was no way back. Usually, to argue they had not time, after all, there was always something to be done. Dolina hadn't took part of these when she reach the age of thirteen. As a youngster she knew she was destined to serve her community through her sixth sense and perhaps one day she will be the wife of a Shaman or she would remain single. Her mind was full of these sorts of thoughts. While one day..…

[Silas]

Well, there’s still quite a bit of colour, but I think I can see definite improvement! I’m seeing less and less confusion in your sentences, and your spelling has gotten immensely better! It is exciting to see you grow as an English writer, and to read your stuff along the way. There’s still work to be done, but simple practice will help you with all of that. A few notations before we start

Everything in blue is a comment, usually about the wording of the sentence, and usually has an explanation! :3

Everything in green is a word you need to add, and if it is put next to a slash it probably means you switched the two words. A lot of time this as because you had the wrong tense going on, but I tried to work it out as well as I could. You need to work on keeping in whatever tense you are in :3 in past tense you seem to forget ‘was’ quite a bit. A lot of time you’d miss little words that you probably don’t think about, but are very important. Things that signify the difference between a thing, and an idea, and so forth. Anyway, just continue to write, and you’ll get better!

Things with a slash were unnecessary, or didn’t make sense! Occasionally they would be followed by a coloured word, and that means it needs to be switched out with another word :/

All in all, it was good, and fairly easy to read. Just work on that, and when you post up your next section read it to yourself again so that you can listen for mistakes you make. Try to think it through, and ask yourself if a sentence makes sense! You definitely get the writing portion of it, though.

Good stuff! J

<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>

Many years had passed since the birth of Dolina. In fact, they couldn't care less about time. ß in that sentence you should probably better specify ’they’. It makes sense, but you could do with a ’these people’ or something like that. A pronoun doesn’t fit well in this scenario. Also, you are in present tense here, then switch to past tense later. Something you need to agree on. After all, it rarely happened anything significant during those years. ß That sentence is kind of backwards! :3 It would make more sense being ’After all, rarely anything significant happened during those years‘ The seasons were changing each other, rainy days came and the time of hunting when beasts were many and the preys were amply. ß This is kind of confusing as well. Mostly ’The season were changing each other’ I think you mean that the season were changing, but the each other part has me confused.’ Also, amply should be ’ample’. Then the time of privation came, the winter. The Great Circle, that lives everywhere in the nature. For an indigenous people what mostly counted was the 'when' and 'where' they could find better living conditions. So if it needed they traveled, then with time they came back to the old land. Dolina was a Miraluka. A kind of human that hadn't been given the sense of seeing, but something else had been whatthat others hadn't. Hearing, tasting and when a mosquito landed at her skin she hit it at once (touching). For orientation she got a different help, called the Force. It is hard to describe what the Force really is. Although, what they Miraluka see about the world is similar to what others see. Some of the great Jedi were capable toof seeing the world this way and explained it. In this tribe, no body knew the Jedi. They didn't hear about it. Even the word of "seeing" were used as what they were doing, but they knew that others saw things differently. Some saga and legend were "live" among them, those remain from the past. By now these were only rumors to hear when a small group visited a city to trade. Then they heard things from strangers, whom somehow came to the planet. Dolina could count with her fingers on her one hand how many times she had been in a city. There the tents were various and people were very many.

Crowd, bustle, many alien creatures who talk so much that it caused a headache. She hadn't gotten to used to talking much, because in her place nothing happened . Actually not all bonds tied her to the tribe. Twelve moons ago as Ashanna Lerr - her aunt - left the planet, Ashana's sister went away from home as well. Leaving a developed area to join to a tribe. It was a huge trip to take between the two worlds, and she left everything behind. Very early she married, after all, in a tribe a thirteen years old girl was a women and ready for the motherhood. Dolina's mother was much older than this. She hadn't told too much about her past, for why she left her homeland. It wasn't polite, for in a tribe the family bond was the strongest one, and to brake it was such an unholy deed, and crime. Therefore, even Dolina hadn't known everything of her family's story and her origin for a while. Sometimes small details came to the surface of her knowledge, one of them was about her aunt, Ashanna Lerr who departed to the stars, like her aunt did once. It was a weird family tradition. Her tribe was around two hundred people. They were one as the Nature intended it. They follow its rules and with them they lived day after day. Without writing or electricity, but even a single fountain wasn't around. Only the river, rocks and the thing they sat their footsfeet on; it was called the land. The knowledge of Shamanism and of cooking were they top scient. ß that doesn’t make much sense. I’m not sure what you meant by ’scient’, but I think it might be ’their top -something-’. I’m not really sure at all :/ All the man and woman live in Hierarchy.

Their age was an important matter, because wisdom overranked the boldness of youngling at a time of hunting, and man were in charge. The big families lived together in a traditional way, so cousins and the every brunch of the family tree were together. Formerly battles decided the leadership among these peoples. In these days peace born in their hearths by match making between each tribe. When a boy didn't find a partner in his own tribe the neighbors took care of him. You should get rid of the period, put in ’and’, and make ’giving into ’gave’ giving him a wife. Naturally the boys could say "no" if he disliked the bride. Conversely, the girls were vulnerable to other's will. Even if a pig-faced, foot-haired led ß lad, I think? appeared they couldn't resist, the girl had to live with him. Dolina was special, she was onone of those who had a family name. Everybody else only owned a first name, or they called one another by a name added to his or herher’s father's or mother's name. For example, Huvel sun. Rufel. She was quite girl, Dolina, who was good in pottery, had a fine sense of cooking and knew something about stuff fighting. The other girls told more than she, the girl did not gossip and this was respected very much by lads. When she was talking she did it only briefly, concisely and she did not waste themany words. Her talent of good ideas was trully revealed when her speeches were heard as she spoke. Mostly her good perception of the human's hearth was interesting and her the great knowledge of men impressed others. Those were considered to be a man who was married, so they couldn't marry her. The very thing that kept the ledslads away from her was nothing else, but her "hearing of whispers". It was a kind of after life speech what she could hear, the ghosts addressed to them, but only a Shaman could receive these massages.

An important religiously virtue it was in case of this female. The Shaman lady had to remain virgin, because otherwise she would lose her power of hearing the spirits, that was what wise people and their superstition said. Of course, everyone wanted to keep contact to their dead relatives, so Dolina's marriage ceremony was always placed to a later time. Sometimes a Shaman or future ’future teller’ does make sense, but we generally call them ’fortune tellers’, so its up to you, but that’s what the generally known name is xD” teller died alone without any partner, because of this tradition. She did not intend to leave this world as a singly. It was said that Ashanna Lerr left the world alive and passed into sky and such a deed proved Dolinas ability, since quite sipritualspiritual things happened in her familty. .Supposedly, Ashanna was capable to tell

[/color]of telling the healing of another world. That was a very important matter in the superstitious tribe. They did not expected that the girl with the help of the Force felt things. Good omen, with time as they thought she would become a better wizard or healer, she joined to the Shaman's disciples. Practicing together, making ceremonies and sacrifice were her job. However, in general, Dolina(’s) only was part of the audience who listened in ceremonies. Her presence strengthened the attention. The word of life was a big thing around here. Always the main topic and symbol of the prosperity. The rich got more prey, had more leather and his dress was nicer when it was made of a big beast. From a distance it was not eye catching, but nearer they recognized it by touching. Among them to touch each other was a normal habit, to hug during a ritual, that was part of the every day life. To raise children and cooking were part of the female duty and part of being a female.

Dolina was the oldest among her siblings, there were six of them all together. Shame that she wasn't grown taller, but it proved she was more sustained than others, especially in case of house work. Challenging was a duty for man and required as sport. To earn a rank and others respected, this was the way of manhood. The one who won most of the challenges in a year could challenge the chieftain. No one wished to change the boss - whom they respected so much - in every year, so they only challenged the current chief inonce every tenth years. Dorina, among the ladies was a well-trained in the Do-jivo fighting style. Mostly it consisted of turnings and wide moves with a stuffstaff. Originally it was used for ceremonies, from csome dance move. As a Shaman disciple she had to make containers and collecting plant for rituals. Rather strong she became, but it wasn't polite to help to the ladies. Everybody had theytheir own duty to do and they were responsible for that. If someone helped to the others that was a sign of courtship. From that they got a closer relationship. Working together was athe begining of a romance. Being together was the only possible way to marriage. Before that all the members of the families kept their eyes on them. There werewas no room for coincident, theirthey were rebuked for all of their mistakes. Even for early kisses they could get punishment. For ladies the fighting was serious and the lads had to pass some test to prove their worthiness and manhood. Not like in cities. Working together made them gotget to used to one another. Without work the tribe would be dead, so laziness was an unknown phrase. Whoever for some reason was lazy than he was exiled very soon, those probably died in the prairie. With time the young couple could swear an early oath.

It served the couple for to be together, but not at night in a tent. If they handled to be together without fighting - about two months -, then they could be married. The test of tolerance. There wasn't such thing like divorce, a bad marriage was a big trouble, but there was no way back. Usually, to argue they had not time, after all, there was always been something to be done. Dolina hadn't took part of these when she reach the age of thirteen. As a youngster she knew she was destined to serve her community through her sixth sense and perhaps one day she will be the wife of a Shaman or she would remain single. Her mind was full of these sorts of thoughts. While one day..…[/quote]

[Arruna]

Corrected...

Thanks good to know, but as you said we have a little work left
I read it through and it makes sense to me, but you can find things I don't, but I hope I didn't leave to many for you.


...

Having no choice she followed him. Hoping that the curious feeling of the man won't turn against her, they went into the next room. From that moment her life changed forever. She become one of the chosen ones, like so few, she was like her uncle who traveled to a whole new world. The Slave Trader, Master Sirus as he expected he found a valuable one, who was on the way to get into the best hands. He did not hurt her, instead he explained many things of space travelling to her, about aliens and also gave answers about their old legends. Suddenly, she got a huge amount of knowledge and she couldn't understand. So last as Dolina felt herself only one thing gave her shelter, the old belief. With that she attempted to explain the strange phenomenons and happenings. During she was learning new things she tried to put them into her view of her world and she tried to find connection between her belief and the present , so that way she could save the harmonic with her memories. Using her belief to find bond her past and presence to turned her attention from loneliness and doubts, that was the solution. Shortly she met the client, who was happy of the representative of the famous species. Nevertheless, Dolina made him disappointed, learned a lot from the Slave Trader about how others see things, about their vision. She experienced the world differently, so she learned what others don't see. Not giving the kidnappers what they wanted, that was her wish. The faith of her could turned out differently if she told them the true, but instead of this she said she was blind. That she sow things, but noticed less about the world than others do, and even being a Shaman disciple didn't make her able to do anything extraordinary.

Therefore the big promises didn't came to real, the trader almost had been killed that day. Dolina, however, had to face her destiny and she become a slave. For two whole years she washed the floor and cooked for several sorts of fellows who appeared around Master Sirus' place. Soon she figured that the outside world was much wretched and sinner than her homeland. By being humiliated she got bigger and bigger homesickness. Her only hope remained that it was a higher porpoise that she was there. The time had to came when she will see clearly which direction is right and she will head that way. All of these were only apart of her test, she had to persevere. All the whispers said "Hold on". The time could not bother her, it never did in her life. Practically she didn't know much about time, she was aware of the meaning of the word, but personally she hadn't used it too much. For exemple, it was told that this or that had to be done before the other things. The day came when Dolina came out of the Master Sirus's place and got in a ship to travel among the stars. Without knowing which planet she was, she tried to memorize the different sorts of names, like comlink, hoover or robot. That was explained what was good of what, but she never understood how they worked. Everything was imagined by her what was discribed to her with more or less success. The new expedition lead her to a dusty place where perhaps he tried to sale her. They were alone. He knew that he can trust in the young Dolina, who was hard-worker and ready to obey his will. She was there without a clue what was coming. Was he was about to sale her, kill her or give her a new job? Everything was possible, after all she knew what's it like being a slave. So much for being a Shaman.

With patience she was waiting in her cabin, hearing as the ship landed. Dolina already got to used to the shouting, that she had to do her duty and although she was tired of the "hold on" thing, but so far she hadn't expected that the time presented itself. Paces were heard, then the door risen. Her master took a glance inside, and he used a soft tone. It was weird to hear this from who always had been hard on her, since he couldn't sale her in the first place. Stiffly gazed at her almost like he could eat the teeny girl with his look who was just wandering. Slowly Master Sirus was stepping toward her, sat next to her and was watching her more and more. Her covered eye area made her mysterious and exciting. On trembling voice she enquired him about what was going to happen. She was aware of his changing emotions. It was in the air, in the silence, in every movement and Dolina felt less secured herself. Turning her face from him she could see through the blindfold his approaching face. On the other side she noticed an object Only a half second later, when the fellow touched her she heard a voice in her mind. The origin of voice was a feeling, later it turned into a meaning and that was how she always thought, she hear the whispers of the spirits. The stretching hand reached her shoulder, at this point she picked up the heavy object and tossed it at his face. He was hit exactly there where she was told to look at when she was talking. Exactly where she had to cover herself, for the squeamish alien disliked the way she looked.

Of course, at home she hadn't had any trouble like this, there they didn't need to cover their faces. Sometimes foreign words and also those languages what she could not understand made her freaked out. It was enough of this madness. And now all these anger woke up in her, and this feeling stiked at his eyes, finishing his vision once at for all. Master Sirus screamed. She remarked that, once he could see with her eyes. A slight smile appeared on her face, for she knew that there was no way back, it was time. Time to took another step and to leave every trouble behind. Guessing nothing what was waiting outside, but she had to go. Sating a foot beyond the doorstep she was pushing a bottom and the cabin door closed, the cabin which origin function was to keep boxes in one place. That was modified to a room - more precisely - into a cell, what only be opened from outside. Her master trusted her, once he even told her where he kept his money. It didn't take long till her little hand collected his savings. Everybody would do the same thing whom she met in the last two years. At least she learned something useful from them. Criminals, miserable wretched folks, she hated them so much. She didn't realized that during this years how much she changed. Knowing nothing about piloting she headed to the exit. Pushing the switch of the door the way of the freedom opened...