Okay, so I know, I know. I'm not
Stephen. Alas, he is an equal partner in Bri's Epic Summer of Suck, and as it turns out, that's a little overwhelming. So, I shall do what I can in his stead. The good news is that I need only stand on the shoulders of those who came before. In other words, while I certainly have some feedback of my own to offer, I'd say Rally Master Rook is almost there. For specifics, read on!
Name-Rank: Gravy
Height/Weight: Good! Refreshing to see a tall guy break 200 pounds without trying for Superior strength. I'd say this all matches up beautifully.
Appearance: Pretty good, though there's no such thing as an "average" man, or else we wouldn't need this section.
But armor, cybernetics, build, all basically fine. Just a few points I want to bring up.
Any particular patterns and arrangements? Or are we just meant to understand that he looks like Darth Maul?
Not sure what this means. He doesn't "need" any hair at all. Long enough to be messy? To be ties back into a pony tail? In any case, some descriptor that suggests a specific length would be cool.
Again, little vague. Is it just a naked droid arm and leg, only back instead of silver or chrome? Or are they fashioned to resemble actual humanoid limbs, in which case how is he not hiding them?
Personality: My main problem here is that it's a little contradictory. In the first sentence, you describe him as an outgoing (At least, more than he used to be.) guy trying to get some enjoyment out of life. After that, you describe somebody who's pretty remote and withdrawn, who doesn't really seem to do anything for fun. Is that first part just a holdover? Either way, you'll need to clean that up a little.
Also.
How does he manage that?
Ships/Vehicles: Gonna have to ask for some edits here, I'm afraid. The Tempest Class frigate is an ooooold application, and as such rather out of date. Note the beskar hull plating and the hyperdrive rating of 2, both restricted these days. A personal ship is fine, but I have to ask that you choose a more recent design.
As for the Basilisk...I won't rule on that one either way. There's certainly a droid under construction, but whether or not Ash is worthy of it is between him and Mandalore.
Equipment: This is all fine...though I strongly recommend adding at least a basic tool kit in here for the droid limbs. Those things are NOT 100% reliable, and if it develops mechanical problem, he's not going to want to have to make a beeline for the motor pool before he can get back in the fight.
Stats: We're fine here.
Combat Training: A Okay.
Other Training: Mostly fine. Not sure what Infil/Exfil is supposed to mean, though. I mean, I know what they're SHORT for, but sneaking into places is covered with stealth, and killing people along the way is covered by Combat Training. And I further recommend adding both some basic mechanical knowledge AND little bit in the bio for learning it. So he knows what to do what that tool kit.
Biography: Okay, and now we get to the good part! Unsurprisingly, this being the longest section, it's also where I've spotted the most issues. Not to worry, though. I can't imagine any of them will require any torturous re-working to fix. Just a little more detail, some re-working...a couple of them are just where I notice some oversights in your editing.
As you say, what a prick. But tell me, was there ever a mission, or did someone just make that up? Either the father himself to get him out the door, or the mother to try and cover up the shame of his dishonor? Because if there WAS a mission, then like Sam said, let's hear it. More importantly, however, does anybody know the truth? Because, depending on the answer, Ash going on to wear the armor of a known disgrace to clan and people is going to be an unpopular choice.
Assuming all you mean here is that he understand why said tactic is better than running up to your enemy and headbutting them to death, this is fine.
I'm guessing you have it written this way because of Apillis' suggestion about spears being a more basic and easy weapon choice then archery...which was totally true. But technically, if he's using spears and clubs, he's not actually learning how to shoot until later on.
You mean, like, sitting down to take a written test? Doesn't seem too consistent with either the tribal nature of the Mandalorian warrior culture, OR the deliberately primitive conditions of this island. It'd make more sense if Slade was just verbally drilling him an the first day.
Slight problem. The nigh-indestructable nature of beskar makes re-sizing it impossible after it's been forged. My suggestion as to the easiest way of resolving this? Just delete that second sentence, and say it's a set of armor his dad wore at his age and later outgrew. Fully grown at 13 just doesn't happen anyway without some kind of condition you haven't hinted at.
That's a bit much. He's a big, strong kid, and that's fine. But lugging around 2 heavy weapons AND his standard equipment is just going to weigh him down too much to be practical, even with fancy built in magnets. One artillery piece should do just fine.
Oooookay. So, it's not impossible that somebody from his clan could walk him through this. There ARE Mando merchants. But there are a couple questions I need answered. One, why the sudden interest in wealth such that he'd put the brakes on combat training? What do you mean by "fortune", and what does he want to do with it? Also, where SPECIFICALLY is he investing his money, and in what sort of companies? Because Mando businesses don't really work like the Fortune 500s you describe. A Mando shipyard may make money, but it's motivated by service to the Mandalorian people, not shareholders and the like. A shipwright is just using a welding torch instead of a gun.
Now, businesses in the Republic, or the Corporate Alliance? That, I can see. But keep in mind, if he's investing in Republic businesses, those assets have probably been seized, now that he's an enemy of the Republic and all.
I'm guessing this is maybe a holdover from back when Ash was still over 7 feet tall and muscled accordingly. Ash is a pretty big, pretty strong guy, and at 17, he could pretty much be fully grown at this point, but unless you want to establish Hoal as a bit of a runt, wrestling Wookies is a bit much, given that Ash's training really isn't going to make him stand out in this company. Every Mando he meets here is going to have completed their Verd'goten, just like he has. And the starting age of 8 also seems to be pretty much standard. He could conceivably have a little more experience from his merc work, and Slade could be a better teacher than most, but basically, on paper, he's just another guy at this point.
Again, he doesn't really have an early start on anybody. After three months in training, he's had time to show himself as being BETTER than most of his peers, but how does just being good at it automatically suggest Navy? All the training you mention so far has been land stuff, and you later specify that as his favorite. Does Nav Spec War just have a reputation as being the best? Does he want to learn a wider array of skills, and figure he'd got a better shot at it there? There's got to be something more here.
You removed the shield.
There's no mention of medical training in the "Other Training" section right now. This should really be "basic" medical training, though. Advanced really implies some extended training in just that particular area, rather than it just being one component of a general training course.
What's so great about his defense? Or is this just another reference to the shield?
Okay...what sort of attitude? Bubbly? Feisty? Catty? All we get to learn about Karen right now, aside from her job, is that she's a dutiful wife, and later dead. How about throwing in some personality for her? Also, why is he getting teased? All you've described is that he's MET her. Did she shoot him down initially or something?
Again, forgot to edit this out.
Okay, so again I ask the question I did above. How does speaking like a subdued robot make him better at silencing a loud room?
Well, yes and no. Prior to this point, you've been basically referring to the Mandalorian military as...well, just that. Essentially, a regular, professional military structured like that of the Empire or the Republic. And while the Mandalorians were essentially living under Republic rules, that's basically how the Mando militia operated. As a Republic approved, Republic styled defense force. Now that the Crusade is underway, though, things are different. You don't have to change anything Ash is actually DOING. It's just that use of the traditional rank structure (Captain, Lt. Cmdr, so on.) no longer applies.
He really shouldn't have one of these yet. They're only around in very limited number so far. Again, that's something you'd have to discuss with
Dutch From where? The reserves, or the bar? When precisely did she make the transition from civilian life (As civilian as a Mandalorian gets, anyway.) to full time combat?
So, lot of stuff here, I guess, but it's mostly a lot of little stuff, and a need for more detail in a few parts. Nothing story-critical and unworkable. In short, you're almost there. So get to work, poke me when you're ready, and maybe we can finally get this guy into the trenches.
Gogogogogo!
