Velo Iseonan: Finished!

[Faeruy]

Alright, normally I don't comment on Military apps, but I've been keeping my eye on this one, and you have one giant problem.

This is not the profile of a Mandalorian at all. You've completely missed out on what makes a Mando a Mando, and the history presented here doesn't reflect the Mandalorian culture or training.

To start with, Mando's are a nomadic, clan-based, warrior society. They live, breathe, and die by war. People are considered fully adult and join the military at age 15. They're nomadic - so that means no schools with playgrounds. That means "play" for children is most likely martial training and war games. They're clannish, which means that no one is truly orphaned, because the children are raised by community rather than by strict two-parent households. It means he would have been used to death and dying and war from a very early age. It means his "kindness", while appreciated by his clannmates, is not a trait that would be encouraged; strength, discipline, honor, are traits that would be encouraged. His fighting ability would be praised. That's not to say you couldn't make a Mandalorian who's basically a nice guy, but he's gonna have a lot more problems trying to stay that way than what you've presented here. Chances are, some of that niceness will be beaten (probably literally beaten) out of him.

In other words; if you want to make this guy a Mandalorian, you have a lot of work to do.

I recommend reading the Wookiepedia page Mandalorian. Pay special attention to the culture section.
I also recommend reading some of the other Mandalorian bios to get a feel for how they deal with the culture.
Shannon Bralor
Jorra D'resh
Mandalore the Reclaimer

The other suggestion I have for you, if that seems like a lot of work (because it will require a major rewrite on your part), is to not make him a Mandalorian. His bio actually would work fairly for the Republic Military. You'd have to alter some of the references to Mandalorian things, but it would fit his personality and upbringing as you've presented it much better and would require less of a rewrite.

It's up to you; whatever you feel most comfortable doing. If you have any questions or need help, you can PM me, or give me a shout in cbox (though that's a bit less reliable).

[Neology]

Hello, Penguin! Welcome to SWU!

I realize that you're in the middle of reworking this bio, but I thought I'd throw in my two cents. I'll only comment on the sections I don't think are likely to change much.


Appearance

Okay, I dig the viking look, but keep in mind that it in no way fits military regulations. That might be something to tell us a little more about, say, under personality.

He has a beard which is there always, he keeps it so that it is a couple inches off of his skin, so I guess you could say that it stands out.

This sentence isn't very clear. I believe you mean to say something like “He always keeps a long beard.” Saying that it is several inches off his skin brings to mind hair just kind of floating around his face.


Personality

This section doesn't necessarily need more length, but it does need more depth. What you have right now are three paragraphs that sum up to “Velo is a nice guy, except for sometimes, when he isn't.” This does not an engaging character make.

We want to know his fears, his passions, what makes him happy. Does he care much for honor? Does he respect authority? Does he like what he does?


Skills

You don't need to list “reasonable” as a skill. That's a personality trait that you should work to make evident in your personality and bio. “Speed” would be inferred, as it is an attribute listed in the next section. I -have- seen “Fast Runner,” as a skill. You may want to consider listing that, instead.


Attributes

Your bio will heavily influence where your stats should go. If you keep the parts about the construction job and such, I would consider upping strength to an average rating of five.



I hope I've been able to help a little bit. Here's the link for Mal Denton's bio. He's of a similar age and rank within the Republic Military, so it might be a useful example for you.

[Neology]

Here we go again, as you asked. I'm very sorry for the wait! Don't forget to take 'reworking' out of your title when you're ready for a review!


Appearance

Both of your paragraphs here end with sentence fragments. Other than that, it's looking better!


Personality

Yay, you took my advice. :3


Skills & Attributes

These look more or less fine to me. A mod will have the final say, though.


Bio

There's a few slip ups with grammar that you might want to fix, but other than that, I don't see any major problems. Someone with more expertise on the military might have more to say.

There - Their - They're



Don't forget that you need a roleplay sample before your bio can be approved!

[Neology]

Alrighty, one more time. Thank you so much, by the way! I've learned a lot about reviewing bios in the last couple weeks - Including some mistakes that I made in my previous posts, here.

You need to change Velo's home planet, or alter the bio around it. Taris is still recovering from getting wrecked by the Sith. The idyllic bit about fishing with his dad just doesn't seem very likely when large swathes of the planet-wide city are still in ruins. I really recommend checking out the Galexy Map on the sidebar, along with wookieepedia, for a more suitable alternative. Shoot me a PM if you have trouble here and I'd be happy to help.

[Dutch]

Still working on this penguin?

[penguin]

Nope, I'm going to a different site, because I don't have the time for this one!

[Dutch]

That's a shame to hear!

If you ever decide you'd like to return, and work on Velo again he'll be in incomplete for now.

Moved to Incomplete