Hedorah

[randy]

Name: Hedorah
Race: Vurk
Age: 6
Height: 4, 5"
Weight: 67
Appearance: Dark green skin, brown boots, sand colored pants, sand colored tunic, brown Jedi robe.
Birth place: Slums of Coruscant.

Faction: Jedi
Rank: Youngling

Bio: OOC(Okay here's a new and improved Bio its little short but because he's at a young age.)

Hedorahs parents were credit robbers of Coruscant. The father Garg and mother Yelt robbed banks on Coruscant and stole from other beings. Yelt got pregnant and had her baby in the slums of Coruscant in where she lived, she named him Hedorah after her grandfather.

Birth-1 year
One day when his parents decided to rob a restaurant, Jedi were in it having some food and drinks, the ship broke through the large window and they commanded everyone to put their hands up. They walked around stealing credits from others then suddenly the two Jedi ignited their light sabers, the parents saw them and ran back to their ship the Jedi leaped on to the ship and held on as it flew away. The ship was weaving from left and right to lose the Jedi, the ship did one hard turn and the Jedi then hid under the ship where the robbers couldn't see them. The parents assumed the Jedi were gone so they flew back home. They landed and exited the ship, the parents walked into the house as the two were about to enter the house the Jedi reappeared and jumped toward them, the mother scream and the father pulled out a blaster. He shot at the Jedi and it missed and the Jedi severed his arm then threw him against the wall with the force. Meanwhile when this was happening the mother yanked out her knife and came running at the other Jedi, since the Jedi was in danger he sliced off her head as she was about to stab him. When the two parents died the two Jedi heard something crying in the house, they entered and followed the sound, it lead them to a small crib and what seemed to be a baby Vurk, the two felt the force is strong with this one so they took it and entered the abandon ship and flew back to the temple. There they walked in and dropped off the baby in a daycare.

1-6 years.

Over this time Hedorah learned to walk, talk and properly use body functions. In this time he was taught speech and knowledgeable stuff, he also had a few friends in this time. Their names were Gord, Jek, and Helt all three of them were humans, and they played together all the time. One day when Hedorah was about four him and his buddies were playing in a little garden outside of the temple also they were being watched by their Minder. A sudden scream and cry was heard from the batch of babies and the Minder came running over, apparently Hedorah broke his finger when wrestling with his friends, the Minder picked him and took him to a nursing center inside the temple. There a Jedi healer used the force to heal his finger and it still needed rest, Hedorah wore a small caste around his finger for about 5 months. At the end of the year the caste was removed and Hedorah was very happy and went back to playing with his friends.

When Hedorah was 6 years old he got separated from his friends and went into a Jedi training class, here is where it all began with the training of the force and light saber combat. Hedorah joined Ozzie Ackbars young ling class and trained under him learning and feeling the force with him.






Light saber:
Color: Green

Practiced Light saber forms:

Shii-Cho 1
Makashi 0
Soresu
Ataru 0
Shien / Djem So 0
>>Sub-form Backhanded
Niman 0
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield
Juyo 0
Double Bladed Combat 0




Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:


Telekinetic: 1
Telepathic: 1
Body: 1
Sense: 1
Protection: 1
Healing:1
Destruction: 0


Attributes:

Physical Strength: 2
Intelligence: 4
Speed: 3
Leadership: 1

Unarmed: 1
Melee Weapons: 2
Ranged Weapons: 1

Force Atonement: +2

RP Sample:

[C_Munkie *Wishing For A/C*]

I am not a MOD so what I say isn't official, but here are some things I noticed:

Your stats are a bit off. I would raise your Shii-cho stat to a 2, if he's a padawan he should have been trained in it a bit more than a 1. Padawans are not trained in destruction at all, so I would bump that down to a 0. Your intelligence is way too high for a 10 year old and your speed is a bit high to, IMHO. Your unarmed and melee wapons stats should be down around 2, maybe 3. Also your alignment is way too high as well. Your character is still learning about he force and how to control his emotions so i would put his attunement at 3, 4 at the highest.

You need to add the city to his birthplace, and you also need to add an rp sample.

You also need to add quite a bit more detail to your bio. Don't leave any holes or lapses in time. And he needs to be taken to the Jedi Temple by age 6, (10 is way too old,) then he needs to spend some time as a youngling learning the very basics. Write abit about what kind of student he was. I am not sure what the minimum age you have to be to be chosen as a padawan, but he would need to be chosen by at least age 13.

Some useful sites to help you see how Jedi are trained are:

* An article on Jedi- starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Jedi

* An article on Younglings- starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Youngling

* An article on Padawans- starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Padawan

I hope that helps. ;D

[Keilara]

Alright. You have what looks like will be a great start with a little editing.

First off, you'll want to fix the little tag issue on your weight.

Secondly, your stats- Take the 1 out of destruction like Munkie said. Since he's only 10, I definitely think an 8 in intelligence is too high. He has nowhere to grow with a stat that high. Same with speed. If he were racing an adult the chances are higher that an adult would outrun him. I think maybe a 5 or 6 in intelligence and a 4 or 5 in speed.

Lastly, like Munkie said, you need much much more detail. You skip from birth to 5, what are somethings that happened in those five years. Most everyone has memories from when they were 3 or 4, give us a few that show what he was like as a child. What things did he do so show how he protected nature and was intelligent? The Vorks who felt he was possessed, did that affect him at all in the very early years and then in the 5 years between 5 and 10?

That would be next. You need to tell us what happened between 5 and 10. While not as crucial as the teenage years, they are still a fundamental part in what makes your character who he is. I don't know that he could figure out how to levitate something in that short a time span, maybe it took him a few days of trying.

Why did Republic troops and Jedi come to their planet? How did they discover it and decide to search for life? What's the story there? Definitely some detail we'll all want to see.

It's a great start, but you'll definitely want to give us more detail and description of his life. Also, don't forget your RP sample.

[randy]

Alright I'll fix it up, thanks for the advice.

[starwarsgirl008]

Okay, I am sorry to say this, but your bio. is lacking some major details. Your length would suit that of a new born. Please, you don't need any gruesom detail, but include everything of importance: form development of personality, same with skills, interaction with others, etc. Try not to skip over more than 2-3 years at once, and don't skip if at all possible.

Another thing, the Jedi will only bring a child into the Order at the age of 5 and under, no exceptions. And if being brought into the Order, one would be considered a Youngling, not a Padawan.

Keep on going, you are closer to acceptance that you think...

[randy]

Jul 20, 2009 20:14:14 GMT -5 starwarsgirl008 said:

Okay, I am sorry to say this, but your bio. is lacking some major details. Your length would suit that of a new born. Please, you don't need any gruesom detail, but include everything of importance: form development of personality, same with skills, interaction with others, etc. Try not to skip over more than 2-3 years at once, and don't skip if at all possible.

Another thing, the Jedi will only bring a child into the Order at the age of 5 and under, no exceptions. And if being brought into the Order, one would be considered a Youngling, not a Padawan.

Keep on going, you are closer to acceptance that you think...

Alright well I edited my bio so everyone please read it.

[Kella]

Let my start off by saying welcome again! ;D Glad to see you in the app section. You did a good job fixing your stats, so Kudos on that. And without further ado... here we go!

~~~

Bio:

1. "The adult Vurks began to question who Hedorah really was, his parents were threatened to release him because the elders thought he would enslave the village."
I'm not quite sure what you mean here... why would they banish him if he was just a child? Somebody mentioned something about them thinking he was possessed? Just a bit of polishing needed here.

2. Language: I don't think Hendorah would have been sent to another school just to learn basic. The Jedi get younglings from all over the Galaxy, who speak all sorts of different languages. I'd imagine that Basic is a language they can teach. Hendorah would probably have been taken to either the Enclave on Dantooine, or the Academy on Coruscant.

3. "Hedorah didn't want to hurt the thief(even the tests were done with droids)but also he wanted to commit justice on the thug. Instead of throwing the thug he just held it in the air with the force."
To hold a full-sized droid in the air would take a good amount of skill in telepathy, much more than a youngling would have. You might want to revise this bit. :P

4. Don't forget to make sure your whole bio is in past-tense. :) Makes for easier reading. Some mods are more lenient than others, but it really does help everybody. ;D

5. I'd have to say this is the first time I've heard the training of the younglings described in this way. Which could be a good thing. Or it could not. :P I'm not the most knowledgeable as to this time in a youngling's life... which is to say, have it on your radar that you might need to change something, just be prepared. Could be fine though. ;D

~~~

6. Force Attunement: Usually, one has to really battle and confront the darkness within them to gain a high attunement. Younglings are impressionable, and though they strive to do good, haven't really been put to the test. I'd recommend a +1, or even a +2, but no more.

~~~


7. RP sample: Since you're technically applying for a Padawan, you do need to create an RP sample. However, if you'd like to apply for the position of Youngling, and find a master after you're approved (via RP), then you wouldn't need to write a sample, though it would be nice. I recommend going ahead and applying for the rank of youngling; it's a good way to get used to the site and such. ;D


~~~

You're lookin' good so far! Again, welcome! Hope to see you on the RP boards soon. ;D

[randy]

Jul 21, 2009 21:47:44 GMT -5 Kella said:

Let my start off by saying welcome again! ;D Glad to see you in the app section. You did a good job fixing your stats, so Kudos on that. And without further ado... here we go!

~~~

Bio:

1. "The adult Vurks began to question who Hedorah really was, his parents were threatened to release him because the elders thought he would enslave the village."
I'm not quite sure what you mean here... why would they banish him if he was just a child? Somebody mentioned something about them thinking he was possessed? Just a bit of polishing needed here.

2. Language: I don't think Hendorah would have been sent to another school just to learn basic. The Jedi get younglings from all over the Galaxy, who speak all sorts of different languages. I'd imagine that Basic is a language they can teach. Hendorah would probably have been taken to either the Enclave on Dantooine, or the Academy on Coruscant.

3. "Hedorah didn't want to hurt the thief(even the tests were done with droids)but also he wanted to commit justice on the thug. Instead of throwing the thug he just held it in the air with the force."
To hold a full-sized droid in the air would take a good amount of skill in telepathy, much more than a youngling would have. You might want to revise this bit. :P

4. Don't forget to make sure your whole bio is in past-tense. :) Makes for easier reading. Some mods are more lenient than others, but it really does help everybody. ;D

5. I'd have to say this is the first time I've heard the training of the younglings described in this way. Which could be a good thing. Or it could not. :P I'm not the most knowledgeable as to this time in a youngling's life... which is to say, have it on your radar that you might need to change something, just be prepared. Could be fine though. ;D

~~~

6. Force Attunement: Usually, one has to really battle and confront the darkness within them to gain a high attunement. Younglings are impressionable, and though they strive to do good, haven't really been put to the test. I'd recommend a +1, or even a +2, but no more.

~~~


7. RP sample: Since you're technically applying for a Padawan, you do need to create an RP sample. However, if you'd like to apply for the position of Youngling, and find a master after you're approved (via RP), then you wouldn't need to write a sample, though it would be nice. I recommend going ahead and applying for the rank of youngling; it's a good way to get used to the site and such. ;D


~~~

You're lookin' good so far! Again, welcome! Hope to see you on the RP boards soon. ;D

Ok I'll answer your questions and the best way I can.

1. They banish he beacause of his skills for such a young age, the elders became fearful that he would enslave them in the future so they banished him.

2. If I'am right I believe I wrote he was taken to the temple and into the library and spoke with a scholar, and he was trained on the lower levels. I wanted him to learn basic so I didn't have to type for him in a weird way in the future and he wanted to communicate NORMALLY with other people.

3. I guess your right there, perhaps I'll change it to a sand bag or something lighter.

4. I'll see if there's is anything that should be fixed.

5. I described it the best way I can, because I think the mods want detail.

6. I'll fix that.

7. I totally forgot about this, fixing the bio took me about 2 days.

Well I hope I answered you correctly, anyways I'am still waiting on a mod to see if this bio is good enough, I may patch up a few things here and there but no major changes until a mod reads it. ;D

[Kella]

Perfectly reasonable. And there are no right or wrong answers, there are just your answers! ;D This is meant to be fun, and I do hope it is. We're here to help you all the way. ;)

Oh! And I meant to mention earlier, the colors didn't show up in your conversation. ;) For some reason, I never can seem to get the glow tags to work... *muses* Anyway, just to clear up any possible confusion.

I know Meira's been a bit busy/tired lately, so I thank you ahead of time for all your patience. ;D

[randy]

Jul 22, 2009 22:13:02 GMT -5 Kella said:

Perfectly reasonable. And there are no right or wrong answers, there are just your answers! ;D This is meant to be fun, and I do hope it is. We're here to help you all the way. ;)

Oh! And I meant to mention earlier, the colors didn't show up in your conversation. ;) For some reason, I never can seem to get the glow tags to work... *muses* Anyway, just to clear up any possible confusion.

I know Meira's been a bit busy/tired lately, so I thank you ahead of time for all your patience. ;D

Yeah it seems to colors only work on Internet Explorer, if your using Firefox I know it won't work, I don't about any other internet server.

Meira can take her time its fine, hopefully she checks it before the end of the month :P

[Jenno]

Glow tags don't show up in Firefox, but they should do in IE if I remember correctly.

[Kella]

Ah! No wonder. Well, I shall never cease to proclaim the wonder that is firefox's awesome bar. ;D

*returns to lurking*

[Meira]

The adult Vurks began to question who Hedorah really was, his parents were threatened to release him because the elders thought he would enslave the village. The parents had no choice, they banished Hedorah from the village and he was forced to live on his own.

I don't understand this.

I also don't really understand how a 5 year old could survive on their own.

You change from past tense to present tense in the bio. The whole thing needs to be past tense.

To tell the truth, the bio needs to be less like an RP and more like a history. All of these quotes and conversations are great, but they don't really belong in the bio.

Stats are looking alright.


Main thing, fix the bio so that the whole thing is in past tense, and make it less like an RP, more like a summary of your character's history.

[randy]

Jul 24, 2009 10:02:56 GMT -5 Meira said:

The adult Vurks began to question who Hedorah really was, his parents were threatened to release him because the elders thought he would enslave the village. The parents had no choice, they banished Hedorah from the village and he was forced to live on his own.

I don't understand this.

I also don't really understand how a 5 year old could survive on their own.

You change from past tense to present tense in the bio. The whole thing needs to be past tense.

To tell the truth, the bio needs to be less like an RP and more like a history. All of these quotes and conversations are great, but they don't really belong in the bio.

Stats are looking alright.


Main thing, fix the bio so that the whole thing is in past tense, and make it less like an RP, more like a summary of your character's history.

Well I guess I'll just do another bio . The people above me told to include more detail so I did, whatever I'll just make anOTher bio, wrote as a history of my character.

[C_Munkie *Wishing For A/C*]

Don't get frustated. This is your first character profile, and you are still learning. It will be much easier as you create more characters. Most of your issues are just tense and formatting. These are fairly easy to change. You'll quickly get the hang of it, I promise.

[randy]

Alright I made new bio, I hope you like it Meira

[Dutch]

Once more, I'm not a mod, but noted some things in his bio, and also, watch your tense and capitalization. The Force should always be capitalized . And just keep a general sense of spelling and grammar. Spellcheck is your friend .

Bio~

Ages 1-3: Um, I'd think he'd only be learning how to walk/talk/ use the can properly, if I'm not mistaken, and you might wanna specify the type of Jedi his family and him ran into, as any decent Jedi can pick up on a Force sensitive like he was running around with two lit flares screaming "I'm the Queen of Hapes!". His father I can understand, we don't know/ need to know his past, so it's good to put that he was sensitive. But I liked the part when he would pretend to be a Jedi, but maybe use something besides sticks- they were on ships most of the time right?

3-5: Not much wrong here, just a couple notes. One thing is you have to capitalize Order when talking about the Jedi Order. It is a well known organization, and thus needs to be capitalized. And the only other thing is the recruiting young Jedi. Jedi don't just go and recruit people like a pirate ship would, generally, great Masters of the Force could feel when a sensitive as powerful as Hedorah is made out to be, and a Jedi would be dispatched to retrieve him if possible. So maybe take out the recruiter, and add that his parents were approached by a Jedi one day simply.

5-8: Ok, couple of things here. One is, a Youngling can not master Shii-Cho. Only a Padawan near Knighthood can, site rule. And I'm not sure if he could use the Force to such a degree at such a young age. Imagine someone who can't even speak proper Basic doing things full fledged Jedi could. And another note, there are no trials to become a Padawan. Simply one is chosen by a Master/Knight, or they go into the Service Corps.

8-10: Dun quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure Younglings aren't allowed to make their own saber yet... I appreciate that it took so long to make one, but really, it's a super advanced piece of machinery- I highly doubt that a 8-10 year old could construct one.

10-13: Not gonna lie, this whole paragraph confused me terribly. Like I said earlier, younglings can't master Shii-cho. And I don't think you can just say you got a Master, it has to either be roleplayed out, or you have to give a specific name from someone in the site that said they would take you as a Padawan.

Those are my notes on the bio, I'd recommend maybe doing more than just one paragraph per age group. It's a summary you did, which so far is a huge improvement from what you first posted. Chock it with a bit more detail, and I think you'll be kosher

Dun lose heart kid, you'll get there soon

[randy]

Yet again I made new and more understandable bio. Any mods please read so I can get RPing here

[Meira]

You're still having some trouble with switching into the present tense. On this site, all RP is done in past tense. SO we require applications to be in past tense as well.

Now, I would hope Hedorah learns to walk before he is 3, otherwise, he'd be way behind. Unless we have evidence to the contrary, we assume here that all children, regardless of species, develop according to a human standard. Most infants begin to walk around their first birthday. Talking begins around this time as well. Learning a language is extremely easy for young children. At 3, it is likely that Hedorah will learn basic naturally through his interactions with the keepers, to the point of seeming like a native speaker.

Now, you give a lot of information about classes that he takes, which is fine, but note that learning in the force doesn't start at 10, many younglings are being selected as padawans by this age, so they've already learned quite a bit. In general, learning in the force begins at around 5 with simple lessons and progresses from there.

While you provide great detail about his classes, this doesn't give any information about Hedorah. The bio is about him. It needs to describe his experience, personality, and possible hints about the Jedi he will grow up to be. A class schedule tells me none of this.

[randy]

*Bio updated and age changed.