Chias Nero

[jedi334]

*wracks neck and fingers* okay.........back to work.

[jedi334]

I have been wracking my brains figuring out what to do but it has been staring at me right in the face.for somebody so smart I can be so dumb sometimes

[jedi334]

I have put up a very VERY rough version of Chias' new bio. thoughts on it are welcome though I am no where near done. I have the old bio saved and ready in case anybody think that is better but thoughts or either are welcome. I just hope I am doing better at least was frustrated like you wouldn't believe.

[jedi334]

*looks about and taps the mic* something I said?

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

People are waiting until you are done to look.

[jedi334]

And I am done! Take.......4?

[jedi334]

and this i just me talking but there is some pride in that I am leading in views on this particular forum...come on 400!!

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

All right, so here's round two of review from me. Let's try to get you straightened out swiftly.



Issue numbah one. That pic. The girl looks at least 16 or 17, not 12. She's also about five inches too tall for her age. I'd recommend just making her 16.

Appearance. This is OK, but you specify Padawan here, and say Youngling later.

Personality. This is fine.

Stats. I'm going to ignore stats until you figure out if you're doing a Youngling or a Padawan. However, I can say that at any such age, she will not have a specialized power. Certainly not as a Youngling, and even as a Padawan she would maybe be learning it.

Bio.
Section .5- Fine

Section 1
I'm a little concerned by reading journals and history books, walking on hikes, and showing combat prowess all before the age of 6. If you've encountered many five year olds lately, you'll find they don't generally do well in the reading department, least of all in the 'hiking and not getting lost' department.

Aaaaand here we have a problem. No one is going to pit a six year old against another six year old for the viewing pleasure of a Jedi. What's even more unlikely is that she would somehow win some martial conflict conveniently. But there's a root problem that's even more telling.

Eshan is a Republic world, and in the Republic, all children are given a blood test at birth to see if they are force-sensitive. The Jedi wouldn't send someone to poke around on such a developed world where tests are routinely done.

Section 2
The Jedi High Council isn't going to personally grill her for any amount of time. If you're drawing from Episode I, please remember that Whinakin had a midiwhatsit count of like a billion. Ordinary recruits won't get that kind of to-do.

You really don't have enough information for six years here. Describe relationships, strengths, weaknesses, etc.

RP sample. Normally I don't review these things, but you kind of crossed the line.

No Youngling or Padawan is going to have free run of the Republic's top-secret intelligence files. And considering the Jedi Order as a whole hasn't even entered the war, most Jedi obviously won't have access to intelligence at all, regardless of rank.

Now, good luck making changes.

[Swamps]

Yet again Lemur has been faster on the uptake than I so in favour of a review I'll just say a couple of things. Try and read through the application again, there are a fair few times when your sentences have scuppered themselves because of simple mistakes. For example "..., her boots and belt which she keeps her Lightsaber are alabaster". This doesn't make sense. Read it through and hopefully you'll realise that you need an "in" e.g. "..., her boots and belt IN which she keeps her Lightsaber".

Also as Lemur said, you need to set her up as youngling. There are loads of parts of your application that would fit a Padawan or a Knight better, so think about what you want this character to be and what you want from it. If your aims and concepts can be better achieved through a Knight than a youngling then have a serious think at what you want from the character and make a decision from that.

Good luck with your application!

[jedi334]

All righty I can work on this.....I will get this approve even if it kills my computer! Thanks guys.

[jedi334]

Also just out of curiosity, I am doing better....worse...am I close or really far away?

[jedi334]

Considering I just explained this to Swampy on Skype I figured it would be good to let everyone body else know on here as well...about my grammar I have cerebral palsy and my motor skilled are a tad shot...my mind moves a lot quicker then my hands do hence all the grammar mistakes...I try my best to get them all when editing but I miss a few so I am very sorry if I have been frustrating everyone with it it is not intentionally I swear! Now back to work

[Swamps]

Alright, I'm going to help out 334 as much as I can with this. We've hooked up via Skype and are going to try and work with any problems that exist in the app. So yes, now is the time.

[jedi334]

Ready for another look over!

[timtank]

just a quick thing I noticed, you can't be a knight until the age of 21. So she would be a Padawan.

[jedi334]

and fixed.....thank you

[Jenno]

Actually, the minimum age for a Knight is 22, not 21.

[jedi334]

and edited again...so helpful this board is

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

OK. So since Swampy isn't about, I'll give you a look-see again.

Name through birthplace looks fine, so onto appearance. The first sentence is a run on and needs some punctuation.

And onto personality!

You put quite instead of quiet, and considering that's all I can say, you did a pretty good job.

Stats. Since she's a Chronicler, her saber stats should be down a bit, but her Force stats should be up.

Bio.

A few things here. At birth, there would be a blood test to see if she was Force-sensitive, and that would inform the Jedi of her. Also, 7 is too late to join the Jedi. It has to be no later than 6.

She won't construct a lightsaber until she is a Padawan, and she certanly won't be visiting dangerous planets like Kashyyyk as a Youngling. She'll be kept safe at home. If she does go anywhere, it'd be places like the Senate or another Jedi enclave.

Additionally, she will not be trained in anything besides Shii Cho until she becomes a Padawan.

The rank of Padawan is conferred when a Master or a Knight takes on a Youngling as an apprentice, not by academics or contributions.

So why is there a sniper trying to shoot a child?

The explanation that I now see does not hold water in my book.

I'm actually getting tired now, so I'll leave off here. Maybe Swampy can come in and take over from here.

[jedi334]

No worries man thanks