Chias Nero

[jedi334]

hmmmmmmmm some issues but nothing that is not unrepairable......to work I say!

[jedi334]

Quick question if this means I make her a padawan do I discount all of her trails and everything?

[Swamps]

It depends, she could be a straight up Padawan or one currently engaging in her trials.

Sorry about the absence, my exams have kicked back in again. :/

[jedi334]

no worries brother kinda figured that the reason

As fr as i know Eshan is in the republic borders so she wouldn't be tested right off.

[Dutch]

Basically, a Padawan is a Padawan until their trials are completed in full. And if a planet is a Republic planet, those tests are done more or less right away unless it's a more backwater planet. Eshan isn't a backwater planet, has a pretty full and civilized culture there, thus she would be tested at a very young age.

Did a quick look over, she's looking like she's nearly there. I wanna see you get her ready and accepted before April ends. Sound good?

[jedi334]

sounds perfect brother and gonna get to work on her tomorrow (oh man that sounds bad) ..apologies for the lack of communication

[Swamps]

*performs elaborate cheering routine*

[jedi334]

*holds up a 10 card for your routine*

[jedi334]

Ready for review!

[jedi334]

would also appreciate thoughts on my stats...got on odd feeling they are a bit weak minus intelligence I knew that was always going to be a little high

[jedi334]

*plays black jack with Chias while waiting*

[Dutch]

I'll be doing reviews this weekend, been a busy week!

[jedi334]

no worries brother I have been tweeking it all week anyway but I am done...just lemme know

[Dutch]

Here we go 334!

So... looks like you may have a broken image, unless it's just my lappy being dumb.

Appearance: Lightsaber is one word, just a heads up. Not sure what you mean by gown, Jedi don't tend to wear those. Be sure to go over this, try reading it out loud, it helps catch things you may not notice as you read in your mind.

Personality: Once again I'd suggest reading this out loud to yourself, as there are some grammatical errors/run on sentences I'm noticing.

When it comes to the Jedi as a group, Chias appreciates their sense of order and duty but wishes they would stay out of politics and war as they have no place in either.

I'd like for you to state that this is her opinion, as Jedi to have valid places in both of those lol

You more or less stated what you just did in the latter sentence in a full paragraph, you could leave that last one out and get by just fine.

Rank: This would just be Padawan

Specialized skills: You more list profession related stuff over actual skills. A Specialized skill would be like "Tracking" or "Dual Pistol Wielding"

Bio: Actually, there are quite a lot of archivists within the Order. Don't forget that the Temple on Coruscant isn't the only one, merely the largest. There are Jedi Temples with their own archives all over the galaxy.

Already as I read this, I'm going to ask that you go through it and check for run on sentences. This makes it a bit difficult to coherently read and review.

And actually, I'm quite tired, won't lie. Why don't you go ahead and look over what I've discussed before, and do try to check for run on sentences so I can give Chias the attention she deserves.

Keep me updated bud.

[jedi334]

Most of it is edited but my image is working so it might be your compie...and I am having trouble with the specialized skills considering most of her skills is research based....just lemme know

[Jenno]

Just 'cause there seems to be some confusion. Specialized Force powers are listed under the Specialized Skills heading, the listing of research/teaching assistant you currently have should not be there. Such details simply need to be noted in the bio.

On a separate note, the 5 in Shii-Cho isn't going to fly. Mastery of the first form kicks in around the time a Jedi becomes a Knight (for which the minimum age is 22 so your character is four years off). She'd also probably about a 2 score in a different form along with a 4 in Shii-Cho.

~Jenno

[jedi334]

I thought it was a tad high and was going bring it down anyway but thank you for being more specific on both points

[jedi334]

and fixed! anything else?.....are her stats to low?

[Dutch]

Alright 334, let's take a look at the bio, but first I'd ask that you knock her Makashi down a point. Also, your Force stats are far too even. Jedi are highly specified creatures, some places they exceed, some places they fail. I don't see that here, and greatly would

What kinda Jedi is she being groomed to be? What are her strengths? Her weaknesses in the Force? This is where we see these things, and you should ask yourself these questions and show us what type of Jedi she will be.

Under attributes, could you please but a space between the combat and non combat ones? easier to red!

Soooo here we go!

Early life:

her father Chein Nero a revered gladiator and ambassador who taught his children that combat was a part of their very being.

gladiator and ambassador? those professions don't exactly go hand in hand. though he may have once been a gladiator, i doubt he still fought in the arena during his time as an ambassador, y'know?

how old was Chias when she left the planet? kinda need to know this

Life on Courscant\Youngling life:

Her training began over a six year period, learning of the Jedi Code and also constructing her lightsaber out of a small hollowed out tooth of a Nexu cat and using a silver crystal to make a light short bladed weapon.

She wouldn't be making a lightsaber so swift. Also, how did she get a nexu fang? and we'll need an explanation as to how she received a silver lightsaber crystal, for they are quite, quite rare. There are only two in all the site as far as I know, thus this needs an explanation.

Constructing a lightsaber is highly personal, but also something shared with the Padawan's master. They only create their lightsaber once the master deems them ready to do so. This whole bit would take place much later in life if not be one of her most recent happenings. Until then they'd use a training saber.

So... she hasn't mastered Shii-Cho quite yet (noted a typo there btw), and she wouldn't learn makashi just on her own. it's a very specialized form that requires a master or knight to help at least.

Despite this it was very difficult for her to make friends; she read up on all the cultures where her fellow younglings came from and tried to connect but always said something wrong or performed a cultural insult by mistake.

Problem here is, it's good that she learned up on other cultures, but how does she keep making mistakes if she's so learned? This is more a moot question though, as we have to remember that their culture IS the Jedi. These kids are taken at a very young age, so their culture influences but doesn't dominate who they all are. For they are all Jedi.

I like how Chias tries to brighten up the Archives, though she really wouldn't have such a heavy hand in its organization and renovations. That would be lead to Master Archivists. She could assist in these matters, but not just go and do.

__________________

I'll stop here for now, got a few things for you to fix and don't want to overwhelm you. Lemme know if you got any questions. Nearly there 334, nearly there!

[jedi334]

insert quote here Eschan being a Republic world, she was tested for Midi-Chorlians the
cells associated with the Force and it was discovered her count was in
the range of someone who was Force sensitive, a young Jedi named Chen
arrived to take the four year old girl to Courscant for training.

In response to the question of her age..was I suppose to a different way?