Chias Nero

[Dutch]

Fair enough, just lemme know when the rest has been covered.

Though do be finished soon, four pages for a character application is a little ridiculous. Just post when you've modified what was recommended.

[jedi334]

I have edited but am still stuck on the construction and type of saber my questions are

1.Should she just have a practice saber
2.Can Chen teach her Makashi considering he is her Master?
3.Could she construct her saber with Chen on Tython?

Well off to boring work....just lemme know

[Dutch]

Constructing a lightsaber is highly personal, but also something shared with the Padawan's master. They only create their lightsaber once the master deems them ready to do so. This whole bit would take place much later in life if not be one of her most recent happenings. Until then they'd use a training saber.

If she has constructed a saber, it would have been in the last year at the earliest.

Yes, Chen can teach Makashi, but Chias wouldn't have more than a 1 in it at this time.

And I don't really care where she builds her lightsaber so long as it isn't on a hostile planet.

[jedi334]

gotcha many thanks

[jedi334]

Ready for review

[Dutch]

Here we go again:

Just from the first readings, I'd once again recommend you go through this and read it out loud to yourself. A tad difficult to read as is but I'll try to review the best I can.

Though about her Force abilities, there's a couple I simply can't see an archivist needing as her primary scores. Namely in this case, body. Body is used by more combat/action oriented Jedi. Your guardian types, your shadows, etc. I'd recommend moving a point or two of it to something else, and remove destruction all together. Jedi do not use destruction, not unless there's a very specific reason. And as an 18 year old Archivist, I really can't see there being a reason for her to learn the most aggressive form of the Force. Not unless something I see in her bio dictates otherwise. Build I'd recommend is as follows:

Telekinetic: 2
Telepathic: 3
Body: 1
Sense: 3
Protection: 4
Healing: 2
Destruction: 0

This here shows basic teachings with a little bit of specialization, which is what we'd see at her age.

Her physical attributes are just fine.

As for her specialized ability, Force Cloak: Why does an Archivist need this? That power is classically used by investigators/shadows/etc. Bio will determine if this should change or not really.

Bio:

Just a note, but for the most part, a Jedi isn't recruited into the Order by their future master. Jedi Watchman primarily are the ones who inform/bring young ones into the fold.

Definitely give this a reread, I'm really emphasizing you read this out loud to yourself, you'll catch misspelled words and grammar a lot easier.

Chias really wouldn't be allowed to pursue her trials if she was so active towards pursuing them. Her master would let her know when she was ready to partake in the trials, and being so forward about them would be looked down upon. At this point it does seem a little rushed in general to be talking trials. You hardly went into her life as a Padawan. How was she taught? How did she feel about learning? Where did she excel, where did she fall flat? Details are an amazing thing, and are key to character development (which IS the reason why we're here after all lol)

You're planning to have her pass her trials? If that's the case she wouldn't be a Padawan anymore. Also, there's been no mention of Force Cloak so far. As is, I'd ask that you take that power out as I've seen no reason for it and no training put into it. If you want this power, you gotta explain why/give a reason/show her training and learning it.

Also, given her age she really wouldn't be starting the trials quite yet. At 18 she's only been a Padawan for four years. Most spend as much as 10-12 years as a Padawan before even attempting the trials.

Basically, I need to know what your intentions for this character are. Is she to be a knight in rp? Your title in the app says Padawan, and that rank is for when they're active in rp.

So there's that for now.

[jedi334]

You know now that I think of it,t I never really told you guys what I wanted to do with her so I will now . She is shy and sheltered right now but I figured with her experience through the story with anyone that wishes to interact with her would open her mind and give her more experience and she perhaps would pass during one or more adventures. I basically mirrored her after myself considering this is a whole thing is new to me too. I hope that explains things a little better I am sorry if this is taking to long....I feel like I getting a little better every time I write

[jedi334]

and as for passing the trails I only made her pass one because I figured through various adventures she possibly pass the two other ones that way..is that acceptable?

[jedi334]

ready for review, some minor tweaks but I am ready for some thoughts.

[Dutch]

Squee will be posting her review for you soon.

[jedi334]

all righty

[Squee]

Hey there, 334. So, Dutch asked if I could come around and help you with your app. I see there are a lot of pages for your character already, which is sort of unusual. Hopefully there won’t be many more.

So, I don’t see a problem with basic stuff, appearance, personality, etc. So, I’m gonna move onto the bio.

I’ve already read through it once, so, I’m going to make a couple of suggestions:

• 1) It's kind of muddled and confusing. For example, you say she does something, but then a paragraph later, you say she does it again (as if for the first time). I can only assume these are mistakes from your fixes. I'll point out these parts, but I wanted to encouraged a full read-through of Chia to sort out spots.
• 2) Perhaps make an outline of events in Chia's life, in chronological order, by age perhaps, and compare fleshed out bio with outline. It might help keep events in order so you don't repeat yourself.
• 3) I'm sure you've been asked or guided there, but, have you read the Jedi Notes? (Click me!)
  

[/quote]

Fair enough, and perhaps Dutch will say its fine, but usually babes are tested at birth (since Jedi like their kiddies as young as possible). Nothing wrong with her being four when she goes to the Temple. Just makes me curious why not sooner?

Seeing her love of the past and her attachment to the archive itself, Master Chen who a instructor enrolled Chias in the archivist and Chronicler program and also took her as his padawan learner at the age of 14.

I think the cut-off age is 13.

the Force letting her mind comprehend the vast amounts of information,

Might be a good time to bring this up now. This is the first mention of Force Comprehension. Even if you don't say it like that, that's what this is. There's no real back up to her having this ability, and you've listed it. You haven't mentioned who she learned it from, her struggles with it, how long she's been working on the ability... It's a specialized ability, and it has to be learned, even if the student shows excellent aptitude for it.

Two years passed and Chias continued to serve the archive. Though she continued to excel as an adept. Chen thought she had stay within the archive walls for too long and it was time for her to begin her trails to becoming a Jedi Knight the test Sprit being her first and most personal for her to attempt.and the old Jedi home world of Tython being where her connection with the Force could be strongest.

This is one of those muddled paragraphs. So, she's... 16? I'm not quite sure. Making note of this would help the mods tremendously. If she's 16, it's a little strange that her master would go "Oop, time for Spirit Trial" just like that. Most trials begin after 18, if they have not already had events that would count toward their trials.

I see afterward, though, that Chen said it was a proper time to make her lightsaber, now that she's been through her spirit trial. Since the Jedi are flexible, are you trying to say Chen thought it was best to construct the lightsaber (a delicate, time consuming process that requires and reflects the strength of an individual) after a Spirit Trial?

She saw a large flat pearl grey rock in the middle, the feeling fading as if signifying she had reached her destination.

Significance?


All right, general comment about Facing The Mirror/Forging of a Symbol:

This is usually where you get the most confusing and restate happenings that have already occurred. I think this is due to the small changes you've made. This is also the most mushed together and most difficult to understand section of your app. I fully encourage you to read this area carefully and decide when things happen.

The icy clear water flowed over her entire body and soaked her undergarments and chilling her to the bone.

I found this silly because she'd already dived into the pool.

he glanced down and saw something she not noticed before, gleaming and embedded in the rock was a small blue stone.

She pried it loose with her fingers and held it tight

rock where she had her vision would be perfect as the hilt of her weapon. Swimming out and using a laser torch she carved out the appropriate amount she would need.

I thought she already had the blue stone/crystal? Or was this the actual rock? >_> I couldn't tell.

Two years have now passed and Chias continues her training and duties within the archive assisting her Master in teaching initiates the very basics of the Jedi Code history and lifestyle.

So, now we've hit the spot where her age matches the age of the app. She still has her master. Were you thinking about NPCing him?


Okay, so, this has gotten kind of long. xD I'll save any RP sample corrections I may have for another day and keep an eye out on your progress on this app.








[/ul]

[Dutch]

Still working on this 334?

[jedi334]

Working on it as we speak actually

[jedi334]

Ready for review

[Swamps]

Hey there 334, noticed this needed doing so here I am. Let's see if we can finish what we started, eh?

Appearance

This is much improved. You've heeded previous advice and now it ticks all of the boxes in my eyes. Good work!

Just a note, her weight and height mean she is veering close to being dangerously underweight. I know she's by no means a stocky woman but I would think about increasing her weight a little.

Personality

This is good as well, really paints her as a curio amongst the other Padawans.

While possessing the poise of an Echani

I'm curious as to what you mean by this though. By poise do you mean her posture and appearance or mind and personality? If it's the former I'd suggest talking more of how she is different to regular Echani.

Skills and Stats

Her stats all look good and Force Comprehension is referenced in the biography, albeit it could be talked of more.

Biography

I'm going to be making comments on each section I think, makes things easier for the both of us.

Alright, early life. Very solid, might need another read through however. Just a suggestion, perhaps you could add some stuff about her years on Eschan. It seems to me with that little time the parents would have tried to teach her the Echani ways. Chein, as a gladiator and an Echani, definitely seems the sort to seek to impress what he's learnt onto his daughter, especially if it's their first child.

Time for life on Corusacant! This is really good and I like what you've done with pretty much everything here. Perhaps expand on her trips with Master Chen though. You don't have to but it seems like a fun way of allowing her a little adventure amidst her studying.

First steps... Right, despite Chias' decision that she is ready it is the Master's decision in regards to the trials. So make it clear that maybe she suggested it and he agreed etcetera.

Path to the doorway... This is nice but is by far the most disjointed part of your biography, I would suggest rereading this and the rest of it out loud. You'll be able to see where you've doubled up words or where your sentences are too long then. Tip: if you can't comfortably speak a sentence (e.g. you have to take a deep breath) it's probably too long or you're asthmatic (like me and Darth Vader).

Facing the mirror... Although a tad cliche this looks good enough. I like the way she carves her lightsaber from stone but it seems a bit odd that they have those sorts of craftsman's tools with them and that she can do it herself. I would suggest taking them back to the settlement you mentioned earlier or back to Coruscant to construct the lightsaber. Also stone is a bit of an impractical material to use for a lightsaber. It chips, breaks and could shatter. Perhaps it's coated in some form of hardener, I'm not sure if it would be appropriate for stone but agrinium is often used to harden and protect metals.

There seems to be a gap here! You've missed out Chias' trials of skill flesh!

Teaching the flock... I'd like to see a little more here, the first years of a Knight's life are important. They don't have to be preventing cataclysms and rescuing damsels but they should be doing something. As a Knight, a three year old Knight now, she's not just a helper or assistant and would perhaps go on trips, like the ones she went on with Master Chen, alone or with others.

Overall your biography has come along in leaps and bounds. It still needs work and another read through but most of my suggestions are purely to help you make the most of your character. Also, as Squee said before me the changes you've made throughout have left it, as a whole, a little muddled. Read it through and make sure everything fits with your image of Chias, and her present information.

RP Sample

A very nice RP sample and one that showcases Chias' opinions on the Jedi very well indeed. Good work! However, if this is the style you wish to use whilst posting I want to give you some tips.

• You don't need to start a new paragraph with every new sentence. I'm not sure if it's your own style or the word processor you're using but paragraphs are genuinely used to mark something new. A new speaker or a new topic.
• Although functional 'he said/she said' gets boring quite quickly. You don't need to state this with every piece of speech and if the conversation only involves two people you often don't need to identify the speaker, the flow of the conversation making it clear who is speaking. When you do need to make this clear however, attempt to do it in other ways. By no means should you never say 'she said' but intersperse them with other things: 'she smiled', 'the corners of her mouth lifted into a smile as she spoke', 'With a wild glint in his eye the words tumbled from his mouth'.
• You're probably getting bored of me saying this but you need to reread your work, even more so when posting.

Good luck and I hope I've helped! As always I'm available to answer questions via PM or Skype!

[jedi334]

Ready for review

[jedi334]

*taps mic to make sure it is working*

[Dutch]

Sorry bud, work has stalled reviews a few days for me. I talked to Swamps though and he'll come take another look soon.

[jedi334]

no worries was just checking thought I forgot somethin'