Chias Nero

[Swamps]

Right, I'm going to be pretty busy over the next two days running a Fairtrade event and preparing for prom but Saturday is review day!

[jedi334]

Great I worked hard! and good luck with you event and prom!

[Swamps]

Just a quick one today, we're almost there!

Appearance

This is good other than the fact that you have not mentioned her cybernetics. Even if they look like real flesh they need to be mentioned.

Personality

All good here.

Stats and Skills

Everything's in order.

EDIT: A warning, Force Comprehension is currently being quite feverishly discussed. It may end up being restricted due to the potential for OP.

Biography

This is still littered with spelling mistakes, repeated words and a couple of disjointed sentences. I know this isn't one of your strengths but you need to work on this for when you're roleplaying.

Taking a bullet... This is good, works for the Trial of Flesh. The explanation of why a child would be an assassination target is pretty weak though, perhaps make it an adult?

Relearning... Her own bioelectricity? How cybernetics work in Star Wars isn't often explained; it could be power cells, bio-electricity or something else entirely. It's better not to mention how it's powered.

RP Sample

What I said earlier still stands.

• You don't need to start a new paragraph with every new sentence. I'm not sure if it's your own style or the word processor you're using but paragraphs are genuinely used to mark something new. A new speaker or a new topic.
• Although functional 'he said/she said' gets boring quite quickly. You don't need to state this with every piece of speech and if the conversation only involves two people you often don't need to identify the speaker, the flow of the conversation making it clear who is speaking. When you do need to make this clear however, attempt to do it in other ways. By no means should you never say 'she said' but intersperse them with other things: 'she smiled', 'the corners of her mouth lifted into a smile as she spoke', 'With a wild glint in his eye the words tumbled from his mouth'.
• You're probably getting bored of me saying this but you need to reread your work, even more so when posting.

After you've made these changes I'm going to ask Dutch to take a look at this, if you have any questions you know where I am!

[jedi334]

Ready for Review!

[Swamps]

Dutch should be getting to your application soon, I've handed it over as we're approaching (or at least, I think we are) that final stage!

[jedi334]

Yay!!

[jedi334]

I just wanna be approved so Jenno can give me a quip filled go forth line!

[Swamps]

As Dutch seems to be a little busy I'm going to give it it's final review sometime very soon.

Apologies for the delay.

[jedi334]

No worries Mate, I understand the busy part and spent the most my little Echani

[Swamps]

Appearance

Sittin' pretty.

Personality

All good here.

Stats and Skills

Everything's in order here, although on my second read through (well, probably closer to hundredth!) I noticed this.

While she enjoyed the new sites and knowledge, the sheer mass of it could be overwhelming. Chen seeing her trouble he began to instruct her in the practice of Force Comprehension to help to process quicker.

Not only do the dregs of information available on Force Comprehension suggest it is a very innate power but its Wookiepedia page has recently been removed. This is the climax of a debate as to the powers legitimacy as it's only record of use is in KotOR II and, to my knowledge it is not named. You can view the page, as it was before deletion, on the Wayback Machine.

Link!

I would suggest removing all references to this ability from your application and, instead, say that her master taught her to clear her mind and organise her thoughts using the Force or something similar.

Biography

The only problems here are grammatical. I'll let a moderator judge if this is a major problem.

RP Sample

What I said earlier still stands... again. You could probably get away with the formatting of this RP Sample but these tips will help you when you eventually come to posting.

• You don't need to start a new paragraph with every new sentence. I'm not sure if it's your own style or the word processor you're using but paragraphs are genuinely used to mark something new. A new speaker or a new topic.
• Although functional 'he said/she said' gets boring quite quickly. You don't need to state this with every piece of speech and if the conversation only involves two people you often don't need to identify the speaker, the flow of the conversation making it clear who is speaking. When you do need to make this clear however, attempt to do it in other ways. By no means should you never say 'she said' but intersperse them with other things: 'she smiled', 'the corners of her mouth lifted into a smile as she spoke', 'With a wild glint in his eye the words tumbled from his mouth'.
• You're probably getting bored of me saying this but you need to reread your work, even more so when posting and writing an RP Sample.

Suggestions

• Fix references to Force Comprehension.
• Look over grammar and spelling if you have the time.
• Have a proper read through of your RP Sample, if nothing jumps out at you: celebrate! If you do notice niggles, fix them.

Once these changes have been made I will be handing this over to a moderator. Once you're sure it's all good and proper, just say so. I wish you all the luck in the world! c:

[jedi334]

Ready for review!

[Jenno]

Alright, Swampy said this was almost there and wanted someone with approval powers to take a look, so here I go.

Other than the odd typo/grammar error, the personality and appearance sections are fine.

I'll take a look at the stats after the bio.


And now the bio itself.

Early Life: When you talk about the midichlorians meaning she's force sensitive, you kind of give the impression that means she has to become a Jedi. Even if she is force sensitive, the parents can still turn down the offer of her becoming a Jedi. You might want to add something here about why they keep her for six years, form an attachment and are then still able to hand her over to the Jedi.

Youngling Life:

While she enjoyed the new sites and knowledge, the sheer mass of it could be overwhelming. Chen seeing her trouble taught her how to reorganize the information through the use of the Force.

I know Swampy mentioned this in his reviews, but I have a means to clear it all up quite easily. Instead of saying through use of the Force, since that's kind of vague, put through the use of meditation, because, whilst it's still pretty vague, it's still a touch more precise.

Taking a Bullet:

Was fine with this up to the end and the line 'would have brought down the Senate', I doubt one single thing could cause the entire Senate to collapse and break apart. Perhaps best to rephrase this by saying something like it would have damaged the relationships of some members of the Senate. Or something along those lines.

Relearning and Proving One's Self:

Alright, I got a little mixed up here, early on you says he passes the Trial of Skill, but I think you mean Trial of Courage, due to her being able to fight through the pain in order to continue on the path of the Jedi. It seems like the Trial of Skill comes at the end of this section when she fights two opponents and outlasts them. Also you say that all three of her trials are past, I think you mean all four .

Teaching the Flock:

Knights aren't strictly instructors/archivists, one has to be a Master for that. However, they can be assistants (which I imagine would also involve a little bit of covering if the instructor is not around, or wishes to defer to them for a lecture or two. Simply change it to assistant instructor/archivist and that'll be fine.

And that's the bio done.


Now, stats.

They all seem good. However, I'm wondering if you purposefully made her Force stats that low? If so, that's fine, if not, you could add a couple points in there. Everything else looks good.


RP Sample:

Looks good, some minor errors, but nothing that would prevent approval. There is the issue that makes it seem as though the war with the Sith has been going on for a long time, but it's only been taking place for about a year or two by this point. I didn't notice it seemed this way in the bio, and I'm fine allowing that aspect to remain in the RP sample, just so long as you know how things really are.

And that concludes the review, I think that if you just clear up those issues I mentioned in the bio, you'll be good for approval.

Thank you,

~Jenno

[jedi334]

Ready for review

[jedi334]

*checks to see if thread is working*

[Squee]

I just wanted to clarify:

With the surgery complete, she was then transferred to a kolto tank where she spent five weeks healing. Chen was greatly troubled however, he was afraid given the trauma she could continue with her training, but he dismissed his doubt having faith in his student seeing this as her Trails of Skill & Courage.

Two years passed, and then Chias found herself in front of her Master along with two of her fellow padawans with their sabers drawn as her Trails began. At first Chias struggled, weakly parrying both her opponents attacks as the heavy boots she wore made her movements clumsy and awkward.

This is her Trial of Skill? Because skimming through it, I thought you mentioned her master thought she had passed that already with the bullet section? I can see the bullet being flesh and courage, since she demonstrated both. Make mention this is the her final trial, a Trial of Skill, and remove mention of it from the last place, after she comes back from the Temple, and say it was Flesh and Courage.

Sorry if I'm nitpicking, but it bothered me.

~Squee

[jedi334]

And fixed...thanks for pointing it out

[Squee]

Oh... Ooooooh I see what you were trying to do now. I'm sorry, I misunderstood what you wrote. I was hearing it a bit differently in my head. If you would like to change it back to the way it was before, you can. But, either way works for me and with the power invested in me in Dutch's absence, I believe I will deem you, at last:

Accepted stats:

Practiced Lightsaber forms:
Shii-Cho: 4
Soresu: 3

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:
Telekinetic: 3
Telepathic: 3
Body: 1
Sense: 3
Protection: 4
Healing: 3
Destruction: o

Attributes:
Physical Strength: 3
Intelligence: 6
Speed: 4
Leadership: 2

Unarmed: 3
Melee Weapons: 2
Ranged Weapons: 1

[jedi334]

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Thanks everybody!

Time to celebrate!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=roRQ2mNwMMQ

[Swamps]

Congratulations 334. Congratulations. c: